Welcome to 2005, kids.
With the new year and the new class schedule inconveniently aligning themselves, when you’re sitting in your first lecture of dreaded Winter Quarter you will undoubtedly get a lot of the old, “What did you do on New Year’s?” In all likelihood, you will probably hear a lot of the following:
“Dude, I got so fucked up in L.A.”
“I got hella fucked up in Chico.”
“I was so fucked up in Tahoe.”
The location may be different, but the moral remains the same: Someone drank a lot of adult beverages and got really “fucked up.” What is our fascination with the term “fucked-up” anyways? It’s vulgar, overused and our fascination for explicit synonyms for getting drunk likely fails to impress members of the opposite sex. I’m sure that new hottie in your history class is in awe of how many beer bongs you took from your compadre’s balcony, but I doubt that she is turned on by how many F-bombs you managed to drop while describing it.
But alas, we are a research institution that promotes intuitiveness and creativity. So why must our alcoholic endeavors be reduced to only being described as getting “fucked-up?” So without further ado, here are some less derogative adjectives for your beer-induced debauchery.
If you’ve hit that bottle of Jack a wee bit too hard and wake up reeking of whisky, not really sure of how you ended up passing out in that ditch on Sabado, tell your friends you got totally “molywhopped.”
When you wake up for that 8 a.m. history discussion with a raging steel reserve-induced hangover where you would rather die than get out of bed, say that you got completely “derailed.”
Then there’s the classic “destroyed” when you literally got destroyed at beer pong and then your alcoholic consequences, in turn, destroyed your coherence.
After sticking ye olde Jaeger bottle to your face all night and somehow stumbling back to your room only to face-plant onto your bed, tell your buddies that you were “hammered.”
On a long afternoon of playing sloshball at Dog Shit Park, swaying back and forth down DP to your residence hall, tell your hallmates that you got “sloshed.”
If you broke in the new year by sipping on some bubbly or pounding cheap wine, tell the dude next to you in lecture you were “shaborkled” on New Year’s.
If you found yourself on the wrong end of one too many beer bongs — if there is such a thing — and ended up tumbling down your [girlfriend’s stairway, describe it as being “mangled.”
If you suck at quarters, and reap the benefits, instead of being “fucked-up” you got “slammed.”
After a long night of alcoholic insanity and trying — and failing — to keep your eyes open in the wee hours of the morning trying to catch that 3 a.m. SportsCenter, you are “wasted.”
Since retro stuff seems to be the mantra these days, don’t be shy about being old-fashioned and just simply say that you were “drunk.”
When you just think that as long as there’s alcohol in it, then you should just drink it and end up hugging the porcelain throne all night, then you got ridiculously “shitfaced.”
There is so much untapped potential for adjectives of getting drunk. I have barely even breached the surface of how many great and telling synonyms are out in the world. The only time that your Monday morning booze-bragging warrants an F-bomb is if you woke up next to something you weren’t entirely proud of, in which case, you really “fucked up.”
Which would suck.
And you wouldn’t be bragging about it either.
We tried to make Daily Nexus assistant opinion editor Sean Swaby think of synonyms for “sober,” but he was too unfamiliar with that word.