With the holiday season now in full bloom, the thought of giving is in the air. The only question is what to give and whom to give it to. You can’t buy Halo 2 for your Aunt Judy; she won’t know how to lead an offensive against the covenant. Nor can you buy the “easy pasta maker” for your little brother; he won’t remember the recipe for baked ziti. The only gift I can suggest is for girls who have caught the eye of a male student here at UCSB. I’m not talking jewelry, flowers or a big teddy bear. In fact, these things would most likely end any holiday romance that a guy was hoping for. Although this seems highly unorthodox, believe me: There are no Juliets walking this campus, so don’t try to be a Romeo. So what am I speaking of? What could possibly be the perfect gift for women this Christmas? Well, it’s not what’s perfect, but rather what they deserve. On Dec. 25, all you men out there should give women what they’ve been asking for all year: ignorance.
If you’re a guy, then you might remember a moment earlier in the year when you mistakenly paid too much attention to a girl. Solely based on the fact that you had expressed interest, she ditched you to go take shots at a frat house with three of her friends. This is where it gets very confusing, but, at the same time, almost crystal clear. By showing that you care, girls in this area get scared — something most men are unaware of. You write about them in the most beautifully composed piece of prose outside of Shakespeare, and you’re shafted for it. You find out their favorite flower, pick out a bouquet that a wedding planner would be jealous of and, once again, you’re thrown aside like a dirty keg cup.
So what is the solution to this love-hate dilemma that plagues the life of every man searching for a decent woman? In the most sarcastic manner that I can profess, ignorance is the answer. How else will they know that you care? By not paying attention to women, they suddenly feel unwanted and not as important. This can turn into a combination of things: a phone call, time spent together or a hook-up at 2 a.m. after 10 shots at a house on DP. Any of these instances are proof to me that women want men just as much as men want women; they just won’t openly admit it, and that’s a shame.
For this holiday season then, how about we change things up a bit? There will be no expensive Tiffany’s bracelets or lockets, no puppies with red ribbons and no thoughtful cards encrusted with macaroni. This year, men need to give the women they want absolutely nothing. Maybe then the “I’m so hot” portion of the girl population will realize that playing games is fun, but turning away a guy who wants you is just plain stupid. However a guy shows his interest, you girls should take note and feel flattered — not every guy thinks of you in this way. Please value the men in your life that know how to treat women.
In a town where the common pick up line is “goddamn, you got an ass,” the men who would actually take the time to pick out a thoughtful Christmas gift should be hailed as saviors of the male population. But this Christmas season, if you’re a guy looking to impress a girl, just stop right there. Make no attempts and turn the tables on the self-proclaimed teachers of the dating world. To all the girls who have “ignore me” on their Christmas list, that’s just what you’ll get — and coal would have never seemed so good.
Christopher Rice is a senior English major.