Greetings American students. This is Saddam Hussein. I’m sure you have heard of me. I’m equally sure that you dislike me. Perhaps we could become pen pals someday. Your pictures are welcome too – it is very lonely in this cell.

You and I have more in common than you think. What’s that? You haven’t watched another human being dipped in acid? You weren’t responsible for thousands of deaths? Well, perhaps we don’t have much in common, but we still have more similarities than you think.

We both have to witness the suffering of having our country at war. Our countries share the same army and both of our countries are on the verge of restoring their worst leaders in recent history to power.

You have heard, haven’t you? My lawyer has been ever so busy looking for ways to keep me from sharing the same fate as the tourists here: I like my head right where it is. It turns out that the clever fellow has found a major weakness in the new Iraqi government: Democracy. Come January, I’ll be running for the new Iraqi Assembly. Lawyerface says not only is it legal for me to run, but I’ll be a shoo-in as well. That notwithstanding, a recent Gallup poll shows that 42 percent of the country would prefer me to the American occupation.

It makes your president look pretty silly. He sent a thousand Americans to their deaths to remove me from power. He was responsible for the deaths of thousands more Iraqis. A single electoral cycle may destroy all of that effort.

After I’ve had my fill of constitution writing, maybe I’ll try to take the country back under my control. It’s really a shame. Remember that thing about dipping people in acid? I may even be guilty of genocide.

It’s entirely fair to call my actions evil. There are some actions that are so vile that every culture on the planet can agree to condemn them. But apparently, they can’t agree to enforce their convictions.

If only there were some sort of International Criminal Court that would hold everyone responsible for barbaric acts, I’d be singing a different song. If only you Americans were bright enough to have elected a different president, one who wouldn’t fight against such a court. Torture and genocide are wrong. Always. You Americans should be bright enough to know that! Maybe not, you are Americans after all.

Goodbye from Iraq and may wild camels trample your firstborn children.

Loren Williams is a Daily Nexus columnist.