I’m a nice guy. Well, at least I think I am a nice guy.

My public record may tell you otherwise: two minor-in-possession tickets, one freshman year and another the following year. I learned two lessons from those tickets. The first one I got holding a beer for a friend while he was taking a piss and I was stupidly waiting for him on the sidewalk. Freshman year, I learned rule #1: Don’t walk on the street with an open container. The second ticket I got while I was buying alcohol and gave cops a fake I.D. Sophomore year, I learned rule #2: Don’t buy alcohol with your brother’s I.D.

So now that I had these two nasty tickets under my belt, Santa Barbara County Court shook its finger at me and said, “Joe, You are a naughty, out-of-control boy, and since your parents didn’t seem to raise you up right, we will be your parents and take away your license for a year.” One whole year I had no car. One whole year I had to bum rides from my friends.

The court’s decision made me reflect: Why do they take my license away for partying? Am I the kind of guy who is just out of control and gets into fights at parties? No, I am a mellow guy who enjoys the company of people and dancing with them. Of course, they don’t know that. They think I am just like all the other partying scum of Isla Vista.

This brings me to the rule I learned this year, rule #3: Don’t walk in a pimp suit down Del Playa Drive during the fall offensive. I wasn’t even drunk. Drunk equals stumbling around, slurring speech, getting in fights and being unable to take care of oneself. This did not equal Joe.

I was walking home because I was tired of partying and had just come from a “pimps and hoes” costume party. Naturally, people were laughing at my costume. This was bad because it drew cops’ attention to my outfit. When people laugh on DP at a specific person, cops get drawn to that person to question them. The cops were probably thinking, “This thug should be told Halloween isn’t for a few more weeks.” I was dressed really over-the-top. I had a cane, glasses, leopard skin hat, matching leopard purple jacket, gold bling necklace with a dollar sign – you name it, I had it. (You have to go all-out when you get ready for those theme parties – I once went to an “anything but clothes” party wearing a suit of aluminum foil.)

Before I knew it, I had five policemen asking me where I was, where I was going and other dumb questions. Suddenly, I had handcuffs around my wrists and was thrown into a bus to the county prison where I spent the night. When I got out, I forgot to ask for my costume. All I have left from the stupid experience is my cheesy bling-bling.

I’ve learned my lessons – I guess I am not a nice guy that just wants to party. I am apparently an uncontrollable savage that needs to be locked up in a cage for a long time because I cause way too much trouble in I.V.

Just remember to follow my rules and you won’t get in trouble in Isla Vista.

Joe Heyming is junior computer science major.