When I sleep at night I dream of a sanitary future, full of shiny uniforms and cars that fly. There are cities in the clouds, robot maids, and dolphins coexisting with humans in a civilized manner. I don’t dream of freaky clone people turning tricks like Las Vegas streetwalkers. That doesn’t sound very sanitary to me, and thus doesn’t sound futuristic.

The scientific community, drunk as it is with power, is trying to clone humans at the moment. Upon accomplishing this goal they will program the clones to be sex slaves. Some people claim this is inevitable, possibly mankind’s greatest triumph.

I know what you’re saying. What could be better than guiltless sex with a fleshy automaton? It would be easy, breezy and fun. Hell! You could go nuts on their ass, do whatever you want!

Not to play party pooper, buster, but you’re one sick puppy. Get your head out of the gutter and think about it for a while. Who are people going to clone as sex slaves when the industry gets off the ground? Cute people, that’s who. Sexy people – people like the Olsen twins. Everybody loves the Olsen twins. We as a nation watched them grow up on “Full House.” Women find them “cute.” Men want to have sex with both of them at the same time for weird reasons words can’t quite capture.

When the cloning craze starts, everyone is going to want a pair of Olsen twins to psychologically program from birth. Fellas could even breed a Jennifer Lopez or two along with them for variety. Ladies could grow a few Tom Hanks and get some sweet Hanks lovin’ every night.

Everybody wins, right? Wrong. You see, there’s a package deal that goes along with those celebrities you bend to your perverted will: You also get the nasty dispositions they’re genetically programmed to have. Hearts black as the night. Anyone that knows tons of celebrities like I do knows they all hate mankind. All of them, except Justin Timberlake, are very bad, scary people.

I’ll grant cloning has its purposes. We could clone soldiers and take over the world. We could grow a few clones to work all the crap jobs or compliment us all the time. Mankind, however, is not rational enough to use them these ways. They will exclusively clone celebrities to have sex with, and after a time these evil, glamorous people will topple civilization and enslave us all.

It’s time that we, as a society, open our eyes and recognize scientists for what they are: a grave threat.

Drew Atkins is a Daily Nexus staff writer – and a different person than Drew Mackie.