Young, privileged people in college communities are always seeking instant gratification. Most would say that such situations create an ideal that we can always have what we want whenever we want it, including sexual satisfaction. Although some of you probably possess the sex appeal of a lima bean and wouldn’t know how to score if your parents were porn stars, the general populace can most likely identify with the fact that in this liberal nook we call home, a person doesn’t have to go very far to find a hook-up. In honor of this idea, I want to introduce a subject that is very near and dear to my genitals: hooking up with a neighbor.

First, I would like to dedicate this column to the people who know they inspired it and to the voyeurs who tried to live vicariously through us by peering in on my housewarming gift to the new neighbor over last summer. I also apologize to the man who I teased for so long but who never got the neighborly lovin’ he truly deserved – sorry Matt.

That said, I wish to point out that the benefits of neighborly nookie are quite plentiful. I am quite sure that Mister Rogers had no intention of sexual innuendo when he constantly repeated, “Won’t you be my neighbor?”, but I think the guy was on to something. After all, that show didn’t take a trip to see how latex was made for nothing!

Just think, if the house next door throws a “dress as your favorite anime character” theme party, you will have that much less distance to travel the next morning after the hook-up, thus, much less sarcastic commentary from strangers you pass as you embark on the walk of shame home. Then again, if you are attending anime theme parties, you should be ashamed of yourself to begin with.

Sex with a neighbor is always convenient because you can usually tell when the person is home and whether he or she has company. When they are alone and you want a piece, go get it. It’s a lot like invading your fridge for a midnight snack: You pick out what you want, heat it up, and after you get what you want from it, you go back to bed. Simple, satisfying and oh-so-savory.

However, based on similar reasoning, neighborly nookie is a problem if the situation ends badly. One bad night could mean the whole block suddenly knows about the heinous, hairy mole on your ass crack, which you have always affectionately referred to as the “beauty mark.” When neighbor relations start to go downhill, hurt feelings can arise, awkwardness may develop between you and the neighbor or worse, awkwardness between both sets of people living in the neighboring houses can occur. In instances such as this, college students seem to have yet another excuse not to leave the safety of their homes for class. Then again, who knows, you may think that’s a good thing.

Even if things aren’t going badly, scrutiny from the mates is never fun. Leaving through the living room the next day amid a sea of residents is a fine time to use those left over paper grocery bags as helmets with eye-holes cut out, especially if they have taken to calling you “Melinda the Moaner” or “One-Pump Chump.” Work the neighborly magic if you feel you can deal with all of that, but don’t be foolish. If you decide to ritualistically sleep with every member of the house next door rather than just sticking to one neighbor, you might find yourself in a pickle that most likely cannot be rectified with an orgy.

Despite any shortcomings that could occur however, the benefit here far outweighs the cost. Think about how many sexual options you have right now when surrounded by living quarters full of your peers. You never know what it will be like once you are let out into the real world. Your neighbor, 10 years from now, could be an 80-year-old church lady named Mildred who lives with 50 cats and watches the Game Show Network all day. Bedsores, kitty litter and lingerie that is less wrinkly than the actual skin underneath is no recipe for sexual gratification. Enjoy your time in this bubble otherwise known as college, before it’s too late.

When nestled in the bosom of opportunity, you would be silly to not to suckle on its teat. Neighbor nookie is great, so go get yourself a cardigan, some puppets, a toy trolley and do something that would have made Mister Rogers proud. I mean hell, its not prostitution, but it’s the closest thing to door-to-door service you’re going to get.

Kate Rice is the Daily Nexus sex columnist.