Editor’s Note: This article appeared as part of our April’s Fools issue.

I hate Zebras. I really do. They’re a sad excuse for an animal adapted to live on the harsh African plains. They’re not horses. You can’t ride around on them like a cowboy and shoot at things. They really don’t serve any purpose other than food for predators. While almost all other animals went to color, they remain black and white. They don’t blend into anything. It’s like they’re trying to stand out more in National Geographic because they have nothing else to show. Penguins are black and white, but they look like they’re dressed up in tuxedos, and that’s just pimp. They have stripes like a tiger, but at least a tiger can eat things. Just ask Roy of Siegfried and Roy. The only place a zebra could blend in would be the employee break room at Foot Locker. Pretty much the only reason that people even know about zebras is because their name starts with “Z.” They need an animal to teach kids the letter “Z,” and the zebra is the most obvious.