Anyone who has ever been around here March through June should know about the mad rush of people looking to get action on a daily basis during this time. If you haven’t, you are in for a treat. Spring Quarter pheromones are more prevalent in the air than pollen. Perhaps some of you already utilized spring fever phenomenon during a wet and wild ocean cruise to Cancun, Mexico. Others of you probably did not if you were stuck at home watching TV at your parents’ house in some God-forsaken hometown. Either way, now that you are back you have a whole 10 weeks to sex it up like there is no tomorrow.
However, my issue this week is precisely that: There is a tomorrow. At a time of year when one-night stands seem to be at their peak, I would like to offer up some damage control on what not to say the ominous morning after.
Whether chasing random tail on Del Playa Drive or shacking up with a fellow participant of the 50 days of drinking at the Study Hall, let’s start small here. Never wake up and say, “What was your name again?” True, this does not happen to everyone, but if it happens to you, there are other ways to discover it than having to resort to admitting you don’t even know the name of the person you are lying next to during your first few moments of the day’s consciousness. Try checking your cell phone later for a name you don’t recognize. Or glance at the mail on their desk while they are in the bathroom. That’s a risky move, though. Try to do it without getting caught, or else you will look like some sort of nosy psycho.
Next, unless you believe that the sex you had the night before was incredible and are certain your partner felt the same way, verbal play-by-plays of anything specific that you did concerning the hook-up are not a good idea. For example, do not ask if the other person enjoyed your dirty talking or the way you undulated while having sex on the desk chair.
If they didn’t enjoy hooking up with you or even completely regret being there by morning, you will most likely get an awkward stare or an avoidance of eye contact all together that blatantly denies the ego boost that you were looking for in fishing for compliments to begin with. Do not expect someone to come back with an answer like, “You were great. Feel free to fondle my nipples anytime.”
For guys, specifically if you sneaked into the rear, do not mention it! Definitely omit comments like, “Wow, last night your sphincter was tighter than the rusty keyhole at my grandparents’ winter cabin in Tahoe.” Although that statement screams, “My family has money,” which might be the angle you are trying to approach with, it actually begs the question, “How the hell did a pretentious asshole like myself get in your butt in the first place?”
It would be easiest to just keep the conversation simple in the morning with arbitrary questions that you really might not give a rat’s ass about, like what they are up to for the rest of the day, if they had any tests the previous week or how long ago they got that Prince Albert piercing. The key is keeping it short and sweet to avoid the burning of sexual bridges. However, if the specific sexual encounter with them leaves your crotch burning, that’s a whole other story. Don’t turn to the Nexus in that case; go to Student Health.
Remember, these things do not necessarily apply only to people you just met and boned down with. It is actually more important to protect your integrity with some conversational tact after the fact if you genuinely have interest in the person. In that case you should ask questions you do want to know the answer to or give them some noteworthy morning kisses. If you make an ass of yourself within that brief window of time post hook-up, chances are they are not going to be begging you for a shot at round deux.
To seal the deal, usually there is a walk of shame involved at some point. If you are not the one doing it, don’t remind them they have to – unless of course your beer goggles led you to a one-nighter with a person who is like a moped: fun to ride, but embarrassing when your friends see you on it. If that be the case, do yourself a favor and sneak out, or kick them out before you even have the opportunity for any morning-after conversation.