They don’t care about you, those candidates for 3rd District supervisor. They just want your vote, and then you’ll be thrown out like last night’s beer bottles. Don’t settle for such a shallow relationship. Me? I love you – yes, you – so I’d like to take this time to declare my candidacy for the position of supervisor and tell you how I differ from the other candidates. Besides the love thing, of course.
For starters, the other candidates have employees, and I don’t. I haven’t had a single lackey on campus bugging you to register and then preaching their candidate’s gospel while you fill out the paperwork. I’m above those sort of annoying maneuvers, and I know many of you appreciate that.
This brings us to the issue of which candidate is most likable to young college voters – who they feel they can trust and relate to. The others try hard on this issue, whereas I don’t care a lick if you like me. I’m an ice cube in the ocean, cool like the other side of the pillow, down by law. It’s an effortless thing.
Brooks Firestone’s coolness stems from his son, Andrew, veteran of the mindless reality show “The Bachelor.” He uses his son as electoral currency, sending him to collect supporters on campus and at sororities. Andrew also wrote an advertisement letter for Dad which referred to his father’s fondness for trees, his winning personality and the author’s – Andrew’s – brief television celebrity.
John Buttny tries to be likable with his big moustache, but that’s only acceptable on cowboys and police officers. Steve Pappas refuses to state his political party, which gives him an air of mystique, but also calls into question whether he’s a fascist or not.
As shown, none of the other candidates can touch me in the hipness category. My only competition is Slick Gardner, who claims to have sponsored race cars in the past and, in case you missed it the first time, is named Slick. I’ll admit that’s pretty sweet.
But what about the issues, since some students care about that stuff? Besides me, none of the candidates will bring about the radical change Isla Vista thirsts for. Buttny represents a continuation of the current political path, since he’s successor to sitting Supervisor Gail Marshall. Firestone has gobs of money and probably caters to those of similar economic standing.
These men don’t understand what it’s like to deal tricky I.V. landlords, as I do. If elected, I will go a step beyond the other candidates with their calls for “tenant rights” and invent an utterly new form of government, abolishing landlords and seceding from the union. This won’t be socialism, per se. We’ll come up with something never seen before.
Oh, and these guys claim to care about the environment? Pah! I know for a fact that each candidate has a neatly trimmed lawn. Eyewitnesses confirm this fact. We’re talking bags full of dead life, people, deceased grass strands being buried in a landfill somewhere. If they could hear the grass scream and beg, would they still trim it? Probably would, the psychos.
Some enjoy nature only when it’s convenient for them, but not me. I’m tuned in to the circle of life. I say we let nature run rampant, do as it pleases. Besides, can any other candidate claim he was raised by wolves and plans to live by his wits alone in the Brazilian wilderness some day? Well, I can claim it, though I would be lying. On a side note, my lies are far more interesting than my opponents’ lies.
Join me, and with your help, we will turn Isla Vista into a microcosm of America’s political and social future. We can charge admission for outsiders to study us and admire our ways. When the time comes, vote with your conscience. Vote for the children, as they are the future. Vote because exercising political power is fun! Vote Drew Atkins.
Drew Atkins is Daily Nexus columnist.