Bizarre sexual experiences happen to people all the time. You can either watch them in a porno, read about them in some tabloid magazine or wait for the next Paris Hilton sex video on the Internet. It’s all out there: the handcuffs, the food, the costumes or even machines designed specifically to replace a lover.
Not all of us have such voyeuristic tendencies, and I would like to hope that most people do not live solely in a fantasy world where they must seek sex only through media. I hope that some can say they have actually participated in at least one sex session that left them with intriguing or puzzling stories to tell involving anything from household appliances to high school physics books.
Weird devices and experimental positions aside, one of the most basic versions of strange sexual experience is embarrassment during sex. For example: You’re with someone for the first time and just as you start to have intercourse the person leans over to kiss you, you open your mouth and the noxious gas from your chicken Caesar salad lunch comes out with an overwhelming auditory and olfactory violence.
Embarrassment can take many forms during sex. For instance, a girl may queef so much that she sounds like she is playing the vagina bagpipes instead of getting laid or a guy might leave a large jizz stain on the bed. Or perhaps you have tried to have sex in some public bathroom, slipped on a piece of wet toilet paper and had to be taken to the hospital for a broken bone. Although less than desirable during the moment of embarrassment, these situations are great for a laugh in retrospect – that is, if the injuries aren’t too severe.
The tough part about such any such ordeal is getting through the actual experience when the embarrassment occurs. It really doesn’t matter what it is; if it’s not intentional and it’s something that isn’t typically thought of as sexy, it probably won’t enhance your sex appeal in the eyes of the other person. Well here’s a thought: Get over it.
The reality of the situation is that these things happen and if we can’t make light of them when we are having sex we will go into fits of panic each time sex isn’t perfect. Truth is, you never know when you are going to be humping so hard that you accidentally hit your head on the bed frame and get a knot the size of a golf ball. The pain of the head injury is daunting, yes, but the injury on the pride should not be as great.
If you’re having heart-pounding, mouth-watering good sex and gobs of drool accidentally seep onto the face of your partner, it is probably going to be a bit of a turn-off. But try to look at it with an open mind. You can laugh about it together or choose to ignore it, but the point is do not make the person feel worse than they already do about something silly like busting ass in front of you when the two of you are already in intimate and vulnerable positions. If what your partner does really and truly disgusts you, that’s fair enough, but there is no need to blurt out, “Ewww, I’m screwing a mutant right now!”
The same goes for the person who is the object of embarrassment in front of their partner. If the incident happens during some one night stand and it ruins everything, the only real thing you lose is that single night of sex. If some tragically embarrassing thing happens with someone whom you are in meaningful relationship with, the person probably cares enough about you enough to overlook almost anything that goes on while the two of you are doing the hippity dippity.
If you want to talk about real embarrassment involving sex, it would include things like people walking in and seeing you playing a game of naked airplane or your roommate taking a crap in the bathroom that can be heard while you are having sex in the other room. In those situations you may have cause to worry, but that type of embarrassment is a lot more rare.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Kate Rice once got laughed out of bed for using the phrase “the hippity dippity” as dirty talk.