Painted ladies of Isla Vista, douse your Jackson Pollock faces in turpentine. I’m here to liberate you out from beneath your layers of makeup.

Throw away your jars of creamy tan stuff. Toss your little plastic boxes of colored, powdery stuff. Even get rid of that black stick thing with the bristles that I’ve always thought looks like something that cleans bodily orifices but apparently puts gunk on your eyelashes. You don’t have to do it!

Ask most guys to answer honestly, and they’ll agree that a woman’s face is not a blank canvas upon which she should compose a goopy, daily masterpiece. Some of the most beautiful women don’t look like they’re wearing any makeup at all. Seriously, greet the world with the face God gave you. The beauty of a woman who’s comfortable with the way she looks will shine through, instead of being intermediated by six coats of Mimi Bobek brand beauty ooze.

Now, I can anticipate the responses this tirade will get.

“Go screw yourself, ass. When I put makeup on, I do it for myself. I don’t give a damn what you think about how I look!” And that’s great. Really. But when a woman walks into a room, the lights reflecting off the soupy mess dripping from her face, she projects the air of an insecure person.

“Well, makeup only accentuates the beauty that’s already there and covers up the stuff people wouldn’t want to see.” Maybe that’s true, but at least the cosmetics-free ladies are honest. Speaking again for most guys, talking to a heavily made-up woman raises the question, “What the hell is she hiding under there, anyway?”

“But when I wear this, I really feel like me!” Hmm. Do you really feel like a blob of flesh-toned goo? I’m sure there’s a real woman in there somewhere. Let her out.

Mind you, this is not a license to go all earthchild; a little bit of basic upkeep is always nice. Throw a scarf over that goiter and run a razor through the problem areas that might otherwise grow a chinchilla or two.

I’m not saying all makeup is necessarily bad. A little touchup here and there is fine. But if you can’t leave the house without face painting, just take it easy. After all, Ziggy Stardust hasn’t been popular in decades.

Daily Nexus opinion editor Drew Mackie hasn’t been popular in decades, either.