When Push Comes to Shove

Saturday, Nov. 1, midnight – Officers responding to a call on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive were forced to physically move people out of their way to get through the jam-packed Halloween crowd, which officers noted to be “large and uncooperative.”

While they were making their way through, deputies ran into an 18-year-old man who was unhappy about being pushed. “Fuck you, don’t push me,” said Sensitive Steve to the officers before attempting to swing his fist at them.

Officers determined he was “actively trying to fight uniformed deputies.” The deputies grabbed Steve and forced him to the ground, where he was handcuffed and led out of the fray.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were cops,” Steve told the officers, who noted in their report that they were in full uniform and shouting “sheriff’s department” as they moved though the crowd.

Steve was arrested for fighting in public and transported to Santa Barbara County Jail, where he’ll live to fight another day, but probably regret that day, too.

Lightweight in the Roadway

Saturday, Nov. 1 – Deputies in a patrol car at the corner of Camino Pescadero and Segovia Road observed a 19-year-old woman walking southbound who could not maintain a steady course, and stumbled into the path of the police car.

The officers noted a citizen pulled the girl out of the road to keep her from being hit.

When contacted, the woman said she had wine with dinner. However, her inability to speak coherently led officers to believe this wasn’t the magical type of wine that renders drinkers devoid of balance and motor skills after only a glass. More than a few sips must have been involved.

The woman became argumentative with officers, who arrested her for public intoxication. She was taken to Santa Barbara County Jail, where she was housed pending sobriety.

Drunk Control

Saturday, Nov. 1, 2:03 a.m. – Officers providing crowd control at the 6600 block of DP noticed a woman in distress yelling at a man who had pinned her against a vehicle. When asked if she knew the man, the woman said no. Deputies observed she was “obviously distressed,” judging by her fearful facial expression.

Officers pulled the man off her. A la Sensitive Steve (see above), Aggressive Andy said to officers, “You can’t fucking push me,” which in this case was actually true because the man was “extremely strong,” according to deputies.

Since there were only two officers on the scene and a large crowd to control, one of the officers placed Andy in a carotid restraint – more commonly known as a headlock or chokehold. Andy passed out within 10 seconds, but quickly regained consciousness and continued resisting arrest. Officers deployed a carotid restraint again, and were this time able to handcuff the subject.

When deputies asked for his name, Andy responded that he had no name. Then he started vomiting repeatedly and passed out

While an officer performed a follow-up interview the next day, Andy was surprised to learn the facts behind his arrest, as he could not remember what had transpired. He was very apologetic and blamed his actions on his level of intoxication.

Crotch, Crotch, Crotch!

Saturday, Nov. 1, 1:35 a.m. – Something told an officer patrolling the 6500 block of DP that it was that time of the night for a good ol’ lesson in keeping your hands to yourself. While the deputy was walking with fellow officers, he came upon a group of seven or eight other men. As the officer passed, a 25-year-old man reached out and hit the officer in the crotch with the back of his hand.

No one likes being hit in the groin, but everyone can agree that watching someone get hit in the groin is highly amusing. If there is one thing funnier than the word “crotch,” it’s got to be someone hitting an officer between the legs and then being arrested for it.

After resisting arrest by deputies (apparently it was OK to touch officers’ private parts but not to be touched in return) the man said he did not remember striking the officer in the groin, but stated that he might have. He was arrested for assaulting a police officer.

Aww Officer, Just Five More Minutes

Saturday, Nov. 1, 3 a.m. – Officers noticed a 21-year-old man passed out in a running car. Deputies reported that after repeated attempts to wake him, which included activating the police car’s siren and horn, the man was still unresponsive.

When he finally awoke, officers described him as having a “very bad attitude,” which is perhaps understandable given that waking up to police lights and sirens in your face is not the most natural or peaceful way to stir one’s body from the sand man’s realm.

The man told officers he had purposely left his car running in order to stay warm, and that he had passed out to avoid driving drunk. Hmm… if only he could pass out again, maybe he could avoid taking that test… or paying his taxes, or maybe even avoid things like jury duty. Just as long as he doesn’t keep waking up in jail, like he did on this occasion, pending sobriety, there is no limit to the easy life that passing out at opportune moments can obtain.

– Compiled by Daniel Haier