Friday, April 11, approximately 2:30 a.m.: Isla Vista Foot Patrol officers walking down the 900 block of Embarcadero del Mar noticed a 19-year-old woman squatting near the corner of a building. The officers observed a stream of urine flowing forth from the center of her squat into a puddle around her feet.

“Go ahead and look. I don’t care,” the woman told passersby with the class of a “Jerry Springer” guest.

Officers approached her and asked if she realized what was wrong with her deed.

“Dude, I just want to go home. I have to play soccer in the morning,” she responded.

The officer noted a strong smell of alcohol about I.V.’s drunken version of Mia Hamm. Because Mia claimed she had no friends to escort her home, the officer arrested her and took her to meet new friends at the IVFP station.

Normally blotters end here, but the events that transpired after Mia’s arrest make for the longest blotter entry ever written. At the station, Mia pointed to several small wounds on her body. Although they had already scabbed over, she claimed she had incurred them from a recent incident.

Mia explained to the officer that she had three beers to drink then awoke in a strange house, believing she had been sexually assaulted. Mia was taken to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for an examination.

The doctor who looked at Mia estimated her wounds to have been at least 24 hours old and consistent with the wear and tear a soccer player would endure. Nonetheless, the doctor explained to Mia that an invasive examination of her body could more accurately determine whether she had been raped.

Mia agreed, saying she wanted the man who assaulted her caught. “If I found him, I’d kill him,” she said.

The officer told Mia the examination would begin as soon as a sexual assault response team nurse could arrive, at which point Mia began crying.

“I just want to go home,” she said. “I have to play soccer in the morning.”

When the doctor told her the alternative was jail because she was still intoxicated, Mia decided soccer wasn’t so important.

Mia ranked the pain from her cuts and bruises at five out of 10. She also said she felt no pain in her vagina or rectum. Upon examination of the wounds, the nurse found the words “No War” and “I Love Islam” written on her back and a Star of David on her shoulder. Furthermore, her recently incurred wounds were circled with highlighter ink.

The nurse concluded that Mia was drunk and giddy, but most likely not a victim of sexual assault.

At 10:00 a.m., the officer contacted a friend of Mia’s who told him that Mia “has a drinking problem” and “falls down a lot.” The friend said the strange body graffiti came from a party at UCLA earlier in the week, during which Mia passed out on a rooftop and was the victim of a prank involving highlighters. Furthermore, the friend said Mia does not play soccer.

Despite this revelation, Mia maintained that she had been sexually assaulted. Now sober, she was released at about 10:45 a.m. and cited for public intoxication and public urination.

Based on an examination of all pertinent evidence, an officer later decided that Mia’s claim of sexual assault was untrue. He requested that the Santa Barbara district attorney file a false crime report, a misdemeanor under the California Penal Code.

On the plus side, the police report states that the drunken Mia Hamm is a student at UCLA. At least she’s not one of ours.