In these uncertain and confusing times of international terrorism, political disputes and armed conflict, the Daily Friday’s own teen on the scene, Valerie Quinn Pfefferman – now embedded with the U.S. Army’s 3rd Infantry Division – answers your tough questions on the war with Iraq.
Q: My boyfriend sits and watches war coverage on cable news channels for hours on end. I’ve tried everything to turn his attention away from the gripping details of the desperate struggle by American forces to rid the world of tyranny and the threat of weapons of mass destruction. I don’t understand why he cares so much about war and so little about me!
Well, Andrea, I think it’s time you drop a WMD on this relationship. Any boy who doesn’t put his girlfriend’s desires above his own is definitely not worth your time. There are plenty of guys out there who are much cuter than your current boy, although let me tell you that the hunkiest hunks are stationed a long way from Scranton!
Q: My best friend is a protest nut. Every weekend she tries to drag me to some street corner or rally to wave “No Blood for Oil” signs or chant something about how American foreign policy is based on nothing but hegemonic imperialism. I don’t ever know what she’s talking about, but there are super cute boys at some of these protests. I love white guys with dreads and goatees. How do I make a good impression on them and their vegan ways?
Tampa Bay, Fla.
Attracting the skinny vegan type can be a hard sell, as many are far too emo for the casual fling. However, the trick is to talk to them on their level. Use words like “awareness” or “outreach” to vaguely convey some sort of concern for the “community.” Use all three of these words in your initial greeting and you’ll be necking on the couch during a Michael Moore marathon on the Independent Film Channel in no time.
Q: Hey, Val, isn’t it like a total conflict of interests for you to be so associated with a military unit when journalists are supposed to be objective? Won’t you, like all people in wartime, establish bonds with the soldiers through shared hardship, thereby rendering your reports hopelessly biased? Oh, and is blue nail polish in?
OK, Maddie, that is totally not cool. I’ll bet you think Kelly Osbourne is like your idol or something. Don’t go around dumping on people with you ugly ‘tude, girl. Loosen up and understand that America needs us journalists right now to feel good. As if. Oh, and blue nails are as uncool as Peter Arnett.