But Did She Have a Hungarian Accent?

Friday, April 4, 11:51 p.m.: An Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer on the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed an 18-year-old woman being carried down the street by two unidentified subjects. Her arms were around the shoulders of her friends and her feet were dragging on the ground behind her.

One of the woman’s friends said she was taking her home but could not identify where she lived. The officer then lowered his body to speak to the woman – whose head was hunched over on her chest – and asked where she lived.

The woman raised her head and yelled, “Fuck you!” She then slapped the officer across the face with her left hand. The officer could only assume that due to her level of intoxication she did not realize the person she had just slapped was a peace officer.

Isla Vista’s own Zsa Zsa Gabor was arrested for public intoxication and placed in handcuffs so she would not slap anyone else.

Once at the Foot Patrol station, Zsa Zsa sat on the ground to prevent falling. When asked to put her autograph on her citation, she made a subtle scribble next to the arresting officer’s name. When asked to sign again she scribbled on the clipboard upon which the citation was attached.

The officer wrote “too intoxicated” in the signature box of the citation. Zsa Zsa was then transported to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for medical treatment.

I.V.’s Little Sweet Pea

Saturday, April 5, 1:43 a.m.: In Greek mythology, dryads were beautiful nymphs said to inhabit trees. The female spirits were so tied to their trees that if the tree was cut down, the dryad would die.

An IVFP officer on the 6500 block of DP observed a different kind of intimate connection with foliage when he spied a 19-year-old woman lying in the planter outside of a residence. Guessing Sue Shrub didn’t have any mystical connection to the plants in which she rested, the officer approached the suspect to check her welfare.

Like some kind of beautiful flower in the morning due, Sue Shrub was wet from the sprinklers in the planter. There was also a decidedly less beautiful pool of vomit near her head. The officer helped Sue sit up and asked for her name. When the officer asked how to spell her last name, Susan provided an incorrect spelling of her first name. She told the officer she lived around the corner but did not know where her friends were.

Sue had vomit in her hair and was only wearing one sandal. The other sandal had the strap torn off and was lying in the driveway of the residence. Clearly, she was on the cutting edge of fashion.

The officer escorted Sue to the IVFP station, where she first cried and then yelled at the IVFP staff members.

Sue Shrub was then planted with the weeds in the Santa Barbara County Jail.

Here’s to the Youngsters

Sunday, April 6, 1:26 a.m.: An IVFP officer on the 6500 block of Sabado Tarde Road saw a 19-year-old man swaying down the roadway.

Steven von Stumbles was sweating profusely and appeared very confused when the officer approached him. The officer asked Steven for his date of birth, to which Steven replied, “October 5, 2003.” Realizing that this date would make Steven seven months shy of being born, the officer assumed he was quite drunk.

The officer asked if he was sure this was his birth date and Steven said he was sure. The officer then asked if he had a medical condition that made him unsteady on his feet, a condition which almost every resident of I.V. suffers from at one time or another. Steven said he did not have any medical conditions.

Steven von Stumbles was arrested for public intoxication and provided with plenty of stumbling room in the county jail.

– Compiled by Kristina Ackermann