Gutter Rat

Sunday, Feb. 9, 1:21 a.m.: An Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive spotted a 19-year-old female suspect leaning against a garage door. Guessing she wasn’t looking for a place to park her Porsche, the officer decided to approach the woman for further questioning.

As the officer was approaching Leaning Laura, he saw an unidentified male subject grab her hand and lead her into the street. When they reached the sidewalk, however, Leaning Laura’s motor skills failed and she collapsed in the gutter.

The officer attempted to assist Leaning Laura to a sitting position, but gave up after she repeatedly fell over. Laura had no identification and was slurring so heavily the officer had to repeat questions several times. Finally Laura was able to say she was not drunk because she had only had four shots. The officer reminded her that she was lying on the sidewalk with her shoes in the gutter.

After being arrested for public intoxication, Leaning Laura could not understand why or how she got handcuffed. At the Isla Vista Foot Patrol station, she kept asking, “Where’s Roscoe?”

Then she fell out of her chair and passed out, leaving it to the officers to guess who Roscoe might be.


Sunday, Feb. 16, 1:48 a.m.: Officers patrolling the intersection of Camino Pescadero and Segovia Road heard a loud thump. When they looked around to investigate the noise, they saw a 19-year-old woman lying on the ground in the middle of the intersection. Three male subjects picked her up, but she fell down again a few feet later.

Since Tipsy Tiffany was unable to break her fall, she landed flat on her face and stomach. When the officers approached her, she was laying in the street unconscious.

During questioning, Tipsy Tiffany would wake up long enough to slur a few words incoherently and then fall back asleep. She was unable to maintain consciousness long enough to sign her citation for public intoxication.

That’s Not Mud on His Shoes

Sunday, Feb. 16, 2:00 a.m.: An officer patrolling the 6600 block of DP saw a 19-year-old male suspect being carried down the street by two of his friends. When the suspect bent over as if he were about to vomit, his friends let go and he sat down in the middle of the road.

Pukey Peter’s friends picked him up again and moved him out of the road. When the officer approached Pukey Peter, he had vomit on his shorts and legs.

Pukey Peter was arrested for public intoxication and transported to the county jail, where his stomach could recuperate.

A Man’s Neighbor’s Home Is His Castle. Kinda.

Sunday, Feb. 16, 2:19 a.m.: An officer on the 6600 block of Abrego Road saw a 37-year-old man attempting to enter an apartment. When he could not get the door open, the would-be intruder demanded to know why there were people in his apartment keeping him outside.

Keyless Kevin was told several times by the residents that he lived in the apartment complex down the street, not the one he was trying to enter.

When the officer attempted to escort Keyless Kevin to his apartment, he noticed the intruder’s bloodshot eyes, slurred, incoherent speech and a strong odor of alcohol. Keyless Kevin became belligerent and was not able to maintain his balance.

Instead of his apartment, or someone else’s, Keyless Kevin spent the night in the county jail until he sobered up enough to remember where he lives.

Boys Will Be Boys

Sunday, Feb. 16, 6:53 a.m.: A 22-year-old woman called the IVFP to report five men standing outside her residence on the 6500 block of DP causing a disturbance. She said the men were standing between two residences pounding on doors and windows yelling for sorority girls to come out.

Another one of the roommates told officers that while she was in the shower, one of the men came to the bathroom window and yelled, “Someone’s in the shower. Who wants to take a shower?” After this she was afraid to leave for work.

When officers arrived at the residence, they saw several men leaning against cars parked in the lot in front of the building. Two of the men ran away, one of whom was later caught and arrested. Three other men were detained and seated on the sidewalk for questioning.

Although the suspects were all talking at the same time, none of them was able to explain their presence at the residence. They were also unable to maintain their balance and answer simple questions.

During a search of the premises, the officers found a half-gallon plastic bottle partially filled with beer. The suspects denied knowledge of the beer. The woman said she saw one of the men carrying the bottle earlier.

When asked what they were doing there, a 19-year-old man said he was just there to watch the sunset, despite the fact that at 7 a.m. the sun had been up for half an hour. An 18-year-old male suspect said he just wanted to go home and go to bed.

The men were arrested for public intoxication and transported to the county jail for further questioning.

– Compiled by Kristina Ackermann from Isla Vista Foot Patrol reports