Another New Year, another broken New Year’s resolution.
Mine was to start waking up at 9 a.m. every morning once I got back into the quarter. After repeated assaults on my alarm clock between 9 and 10:30 this morning, the resolution was officially pronounced dead as I scrambled to make my 11 a.m. class after leaving my bed at 10:45.
Of course, the bed is in the middle of the 6600 block of Del Playa. Next year, I’ll probably resolve to get a bike.
Like many others who can’t quite effect change in themselves, I have decided instead to criticize others. In that vein, here are some resolutions for the people who are in a position now to better not only themselves, but the entire world.
First, let’s take a trip into the mind of the leader of the free world and dashing champion of democracy, our own George W. Bush, or, as Laura affectionately calls him, “my little monkey.”
His top priority for the New Year should be, like the top (only?) priority of his presidency, bombing those rascally Middle Easterners. The infamous red phone from which terrible vengeance can be wreaked on any who dare to defy the wishes of the United States – that is, the United Nations; man, that’s embarrassing – really needs to be a cell phone. With one-touch dialing for that fateful call. And maybe a button to bypass any unnecessary consultations with generals or nasty senators and Congresspeople that may want to “talk about this,” something hooked right up to the launching mechanisms. Hair trigger, of course.
Resolution number two: Adjust to acting somber, rather than giggly, when staring at this button.
Bush’s final resolution pertains to the upcoming run for his presidency: Get Jeb a little more organized on the Florida electoral votes this time. That irresponsible ape almost blew the whole democracy cover.
In this – as in everything else – Tony Blair will follow Mr. Bush. His only resolution, which I would happily like to report as accomplished, was to get a pair of kneepads for all future international dealings involving the U.S.
Osama bin Laden may have briefly disappeared from the media, but wherever he may be, here are two bits of advice. First, stay “dead.” Second, and this is a personal favor to me – we go way back to his days in the Ivy League before he had that anti-Soviet stint with the CIA – say hi to Elvis for me.
Saddam Hussein is certainly on the minds of many Americans, and with good reason. That loose cannon could do anything. A man like that needs some stability to balance him out and to polish his image in the eyes of the evil Westerners. A man like that needs Zach de la Rocha. If anybody can justify the sort of political sympathy that a self-appointed dictator-for-life would require, it’s the ex-frontman for Rage against the Machine. They both hate America, but de la Rocha manages to make Americans love him. He can show everybody that Hussein is just out to fight the “Evil Empire,” and the corporate machinery that rules over all First-World countries.
Saddam’s resolution: Get Zach de la Rocha to do publicity for Iraq.
Kim Chong-il, chairman of the National Defense Commission, has gotten himself into what some may call a dilly of a pickle. The recent reemergence of North Korea onto the nuclear scene, a club that, incidentally, all the veto-empowered nations of the U.N. are a part of, has caused an international ruckus that has made even their traditional allies scold them.
Kim Chong-il’s New Year’s resolution: Get better allies.
Nexus assistant Opinion editor Cory Anthony really doesn’t have a conscience, and is currently under study in the UCSB Psychology Dept. for this mental oddity.