Baseball season is over, and it’s killing me. With six months before opening day, the NBA barely getting started and the NFL only gracing me with its presence on those miserable, hung-over Sundays, this is a rough time of year for the diehard sports fan. Fortunately, in the Alternate Sports Universe, things are never dull. So pull up a stool, crack a brew and enjoy the newest list of notes from my psychotic dreamland (as recorded with the official Terrell Owens model Sharpie, the only writing implement used by the Alternate Sports Writer):
1) Cleveland quarterback Tim Couch is devoured by a ravenous pack of rabid dawg pound fans after throwing an interception. (This despite the fact that the Browns lead the pathetic Bengals 35-0.)
2) That guy in the Darth Vader suit you always see at the Oakland Coliseum comes out of the stands to replace Rich Gannon as quarterback for the Raiders. He throws for 400 yards and five touchdowns against New England. Don’t underestimate the power of the dark side.
a) In that same game, a last minute Patriot drive is thwarted when Tara Reid runs onto the field and jumps Tom Brady’s bones, breaking the heartthrob quarterback’s collarbone. Raiders win 35-31.
3) Phil Jackson resigns as coach of the Lakers in order to go on a vision quest. His spiritual journey comes to an end when he is slaughtered in a death match with the Dalai Lama. The Lama’s comment: “Zen-master my ass.”
4) Freed from the constraints of the triangle offense, Kobe Bryant averages 50 points a game… on 60 shots per game, as he takes more bad shots than the entire cast of “Trainspotting.”
5) DNA testing determines that Tracy McGrady and Grant Hill are illegal clones of Michael and Scottie from the Bulls’ glory days. No comment from Commissioner Stern’s office, but I am officially on the bandwagon.
6) As for college hoops this year, one word: Gauchos. Take it to Vegas baby.
7) Everyone who has butchered the “Star Spangled Banner” is cast into the inferno, and from now on all national anthems are performed by Jimi Hendrix. (Hey, it’s my alternate universe, and in my world, Jimi’s still alive and jammin’.)
That’s it for now. There must be some kinda way out of here.