How the Sandcrab Got Stoned

Friday, Oct. 25, at 11:24 p.m.: While patrolling the beach below the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive, one Isla Vista Foot Patrol officer found that the offshore oil rigs aren’t the only lights on the beach.

The officer observed four subjects standing in the distance gathered around a small, orange flame. As the officer approached the group, all but one of its members dispersed. The officer noted the remaining herbalist dropping a white burning object then smashing it into the sand with his foot.

The area smelled of burnt marijuana. The officer asked the herbalist if he wished to make the proceedings easy or difficult. The herbalist chose to take the easy route by showing the discarded joint and admitting to having smoked about 20 minutes before Officer Buzzkill arrived.

The herbalist was written a citation for possessing less than one ounce of marijuana and released, no doubt to go home and tell off his fair-weather friends for nominating him to take the rap.

Three’s (Unwelcome) Company

Saturday, Oct. 26 at 2:13 a.m.: An IVFP officer responded to a report of a possible burglary at a residence on the 6800 block of Sabado Tarde Road.

The officer arrived at the residence and found an 18-year-old man trying to open the locked front door. When the officer asked the young gentleman what he was trying to do, the man responded that he was “trying to find who was in [his] hall” – as if the residence into which he was attempting to enter was a UCSB dorm.

When the officer asked the man if he knew where he was, the man simply responded, “Above DP,” followed by what the officer described as “rambling.”

The officer concluded that the man was intoxicated and arrested him.

Ol’ Tipsy later told the officer he was trying to go to a party. However, because the police report stated the occupants of the residence were a couple who had been in bed before their early morning visit, any party inside was probably a private one.

The man spent the night at the Santa Barbara County Jail, where lucky people can find private parties of their own.

Romeo, Juliet, and Too Many Shots of Malibu

Sunday, Oct. 27, at 1:09 a.m.: An IVFP officer patrolling the 6600 block of Del Playa Drive observed a 20-year-old woman pinned against a car and making out with a man.

The officer asked the star-crossed lovers if they knew each other, and both replied that they did not. After separating the two, the officer smelled a strong scent of alcohol wafting from Juliet’s mouth. He also observed that she appeared confused and had trouble answering his questions, repeatedly declaring her status as “fine.”

The officer asked whom Juliet had been kissing. “Who the fuck cares?” replied the dainty maiden.

The officer asked if she wanted to make out with her Romeo. “I guess so,” she replied.

The officer asked if she minded being felt up by her Romeo. “I guess so,” she replied again.

Much like the plot of the play, Juliet was torn from Romeo. In this version, however, she spent a drunken night in the Santa Barbara County Jail, where she could think about how wonderfully literature can come to life.

The report did not detail the whereabouts of Romeo.

Houseguest From Hell

Monday, Oct. 28, at 2:21 a.m.: Upon receiving a call about a subject unlawfully entering a residence on the 1000 block of El Embarcadero, an IVFP officer arrived at the scene and observed a man matching the description of the intruder. The officer also observed that the man appeared disheveled, smelled of alcohol, and was bleeding from a fresh wound on the bridge of his nose.

A resident explained she had gone to bed, then heard her front door open. Believing the intruder to be her roommate returning home, she was not alarmed. However, the man opened her bedroom door and began to rummage through the resident’s purse. She asked the intruder to leave.

A different roommate then heard water running, so he checked to see who was in the kitchen. Sure enough, Mr. Can’t Take a Hint was still in the house and using the faucet. “Dude, I’m not going anywhere,” he said. The second resident pushed the intruder out with the help of a neighbor.

The intruder was arrested for public intoxication and trespassing.

Readers should note that this regrettable incident occurred on a Monday, long after sensible people put down their drinks and return to a few days of sobriety. Just makes it all the sadder, doesn’t it?