When was the last time you licked some vagina?

Thought that would get your attention. Oral sex is something most women long for but are often deprived of. It seems in these sad and scary times that many men think lickin’ some box is demeaning and not something to be proud of. The gentlemen (or women) who do it well are responsible for that gal who’s smiling at an 8 a.m. Friday section. You men know who you are because you are rewarded kindly for your efforts.

So, to everyone who is a little hesitant to travel south of the equator, I’ve got some tips. Especially for the boys – something you can all understand no matter how dense you are: eating out a girl is a little like eating a burrito. And we all like eating burritos, right?

First, the best ones come from Santa Barbara. Just a little shout out to the Playboy rankings – yes indeed, we have the best vagina west of anywhere (who the hell were the other 21 ahead of us?). So don’t hesitate, dive in proudly!

Second, we’ll spill the beans if you push it too hard. Go slow; don’t try and hurry it up so you can get your face out and get yours. If you go slow and build it up, when you get yours it will be better anyway.

Third, think of vaginal lubrication as homemade salsa. It adds a little spice, slicks things up and makes it easier to dip into. The more salsa that’s flowing, the better! Just in this case, make sure that salsa is the smooth savory kind and not thick and chunky.

Fourth, sometimes you have to eat the darned thing from both ends. I know these burritos are demanding, but if you’re getting too much dry tortilla on one end, move to the other and dig in deep. Keep your tongue in the middle and swirl it around to get more of the insides flowin’.

Fifth, they taste better after a few drinks. Not that you need to get drunk every time you want to enjoy a burrito, but at least for the first time, it might be good to release some nervous tension. Or, if you’re not used to the taste, smell or sights of a new burrito, carelessness might be a plus, so long as you understand enough to know where your face is wanted and where your face is not.

Sixth, if you had too many drinks, it’s never good the morning after. Self-explanatory (I wouldn’t recommend trying it). If you’re still not sure, cruise to TJ and find out.

Seventh, red taco sauce doesn’t go well with burritos. If the girl is holding you off, believe me, it isn’t cuz she doesn’t want any. Take a hint, and back away slowly. Come back in a week and try again.

Eighth, never use utensils; it kills the experience. If you’re going to commit to eating it without a fork, you can’t take it back halfway through when it gets a little messy. Following through will prove you’re in high esteem with the misses. And if it’s a non-committal relationship, then she’ll tell all her friends about your follow-through talents and you’ll have vagina at your beck and call.

Ninth, when you eat them, they squirt juices. Which is a good thing, because dry burritos suck. If it’s dry, it’s your fault. It’s like learning enough Spanish to hook it up at the Freebirds line; you need to practice. A young man wrote in to yours truly and had a good tip: don’t be afraid to make out with the vagina. It will serve you well, and if you want some good ol’ regular humpin’ afterwards, it will add lubrication.

Tenth and finally, it’s the staple of almost every UCSB student’s diet: There’s nothing like a hot Santa Barbara burrito to melt in your mouth. Really, if you haven’t tried one, then you should. Think about it; this is the best things are going to get – you’re the sexiest you’ll ever be and this is the biggest selection of burritos you’ll ever have.

I’d like to personally thank Freebirds and The Cantina for the inspiration to write this piece. Also, on behalf of the burrito lovers of Isla Vista, I demand the old Rosarito back!

So, come on … make some girl’s day. She’ll thank you for it.