I was all set to write an informative column this week, when at the last minute someone stole my idea for the staff editorial (See upper left). Bastards.

Anyhow, now I’m left with … well. Yeah.

Well, it’s not New Year’s in the traditional sense, but I suppose in a way, this counts. At any rate, it is a New Year for the campus, so here is a set of resolutions for UCSB in the coming year. Some are funny, others serious. All of them would be nice. Here goes …

Solve the parking problems. If I can’t write an editorial on it, no one should be able to.

Reduce the number of incidents of rape. This is serious. To schedule a group presentation from the Women’s Center’s Rape Prevention Education Program, call 893-3778.

Fewer assholes (see above).

Fewer incidents of burglary (see above). In 2000 there were 537 incidents of burglary in Isla Vista. I know a ton of people who’ve woken up to find people have been in their house. Locking your doors is great, but Isla Vista houses have all the security of a pup tent. To report a burglary, call the Isla Vista Foot Patrol at (805) 681-4179. To make a suggestion concerning safety in I.V., use the IVFP website at http://www.sbsheriff.org/iv/.

Finish the Broida Expressway. Yeah, right. If someone types a similar list twenty years from now, the powers that be may still be sitting on this one. The administration wants to discourage people from bringing their cars to campus, yet they make you bike a mile to get between two buildings that are 100 yards apart. Very bright – the Nobel prizes obviously went to other people.

Amend the A.S. Bylaws. No problem here. If they do anything else this year, I’ll start to worry. Ten bucks goes to the first person who can name their off-campus representative. Send entries to science@dailynexus.com.

Dry fraternities. About as likely to happen as the Broida Expressway – and the people involved are equally intelligent.

Fewer Comm majors. The official major of the Greek system. If you’re actually intent on doing something with this major, then wonderful. I’m happy for you. The other 3,000 of you should, like, get out while you can.

Fewer jokes about Greeks. Sorry, I’m just kidding around – and I’m fully aware that half of you are bigger than me. Send your science editor jokes to science@dailynexus.com.

Even out the lights by San Raf. Even if you’re cool with walking in the dark, you still go blind when you round the corner. Let’s have some consistency here.

Bulldoze the old Chemistry building. Architecture firms should come with a satisfaction guarantee. It’s ugly. C’mon. We get a new building every week. Why not one more?

Less grease in the UCen food. It’s cool for a week; then you taste it in your sleep. My arteries are clogged enough.

Non-horny TA guarantee. Let’s have a moratorium on TAs who ask out their female students. Have some respect.

Beat BYU’s basketball team again. It was cool guys. Thanks a bunch.

Fewer lists from columnists. Working on it.

Josh Braun is the Daily Nexus science and environment editor. He’s easing his way back into being a columnist. It’s a long, hard road.