Five thousand small fry densely packed into a handful of small containers – it could be the tinned fish section of the supermarket, or it could be the dorms at the University of California. Now, we don’t know about you, but here at the Nexus we prefer our fish kippered, so here’s the official Life in the Dorms Drinking Game.
Editor’s note: The UCSB Daily Nexus in no way condones underage drinking. This game should be played with shots of milk, or your favorite flavor of Squeezit(tm).
Take 1 drink every time someone in your hall discovers a new acronym and uses it incessantly.
Take 2 drinks if that acronym is “STI,” “MIP,” or “AD.”
Take 1 drink every time that earnest kid from the conservative background discovers cigarettes and immediately smokes a pack a day.
Take 2 drinks every time that same kid discovers alcohol and immediately experiences catastrophic liver failure.
Take 3 drinks every time that same kid goes on a coke binge.
Take 1 drink every time someone in your dorm claims to be staying with her/his significant other back home.
Take 2 drinks if that person has slept with someone else before Thanksgiving break.
Take 3 drinks if that person has slept with someone else within the first week.
Finish the bottle if that person has slept with you within the first week.
Take 1 drink every time you hear someone say, “I used to be weird about gay people until I met you.”
Take 2 drinks if the person that comment is addressed to isn’t gay.
Take 1 drink every time some ridiculously sheltered kid says something mind-numbingly racist.
Take 1 drink every time some ridiculously cosmopolitan kid says something about his/her black friend.
Take 1 drink whenever someone lies about his/her virginity (either having it or not having it).
Finish the bottle if it’s you who is lying. Then go have sex.
Take 2 drinks every time a quiet, nice and not bad-looking boy finds out girls are actually attracted to quiet, nice, not bad-looking boys and instantly becomes a raging misogynist dickhead.
Take 2 drinks every time a quiet, nice and not bad-looking girl finds out that by seeming sexually available she can garner male attention and starts crying when everyone thinks she’s a slut.
Take 1 drink if someone talks about what they did back in high school and expects anyone else to give a shit.
Take 1 drink whenever it seems like you’re the only one in your hall not getting laid.
Keep drinking until you are getting laid.
Take 1 drink every time your RA swears she/he is your hall’s friend.
Take 1 drink every time your RA behaves in a way that makes it perfectly apparent why they want to keep living in the dorms even though they’re over 20.
Take 1 drink if you don’t like art history majors.
Take 2 drinks if you don’t like bus/econ majors.
Take 3 drinks if you don’t like CCS majors.
Drink yourself to sleep every night if you’re an art history, bus/econ or CCS major.
Take 1 drink if you get an A.
Take 1 drink if you get a B.
Take 1 drink if you get a C.
Take 1 drink if you get a D.
Take 1 drink if you get an F.
Take an unlimited number of drinks if you register for a class with the pass/no pass option – it just doesn’t matter!
Take 1 drink every time you realize you’re not drinking.
Enjoy freshman year. Your entire life is downhill from here.
Alex Benowitz-Fredericks is the Daily Nexus Artsweek editor. It’s a damn shame his drinking interferes with his work.