First, a word of advice – raise the armrests. Moveable armrests are a boon for anyone with an s/o and even a nanoliter of hormones. Even if you’re alone, raise the armrests; knowing what you’re missing might just be the social catalyst you’ve been praying for. Films organized alphabetically by date of opening.
“Lilo & Stitch”
Buzz: Cute alien and chicks in bikinis! Bite: They’re not real actors, perv.
Buzz: Based on a Philip K. Dick story, hence instantly credible. Bite: Science fiction movie; you can safely ignore the armrest advice (see above).
Buzz: Winona Ryder, we will always love thee. Bite: Adam Sandler, we will always get beaten up by people who love thee.
Buzz: Honestly, this movie looks almost unbearably cute. Bite: Raising the armrest probably necessitates putting your arm around a 10-year old.
“Men In Black II”
Buzz: There is certain timelessness to mildly racist jokes about how much cooler black people are. Bite: He’s the fucking Fresh Prince, he’s not bad ass – c’mon people, sheesh.
“The Powerpuff Girls”
Buzz: We get to yell, “You go, girl!” every five minutes. Bite: Crushes on Buttercup are hopeless crushes. Trust us.
“The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course”
Buzz: Steve Irwin is the real-life Crocodile Dundee. Bite: Yeah, but he’s no Marty Stouffer.
“Reign of Fire”
Buzz: Dragons are totally awesome… Bite: …if you’re twelve.
7/26/02“Austin Powers: Goldmember”
Buzz: We still think Mike Myers can be exceedingly funny. Bite: He’s Canadian. They’re not like us.
Buzz: M. Night Shyamalan sounds like a line from “Blue Moon.” Bite: Maybe the aliens just want to build a baseball diamond in Mel Gibson’s cornfield.
Buzz: We get to yell, “Extreme!” every five minutes Bite: Not porn, the name “Vin Diesel” notwithstanding.
Buzz: Chicks in bikinis! Bite: We think Kate Bosworth is a cute alien. And she’s not a real actor, perv.
Opening dates courtesy of Movie-list.com. All sass courtesy of parental neglect during Artsweek’s upbringings. Pay attention to us. Now.