This is it. It’s over. I’m sorry.

All good things must come to an end, so they say. And for some of you, I’m sure that this final column is an indication that all bad things too must come to an end.

After two quarters of my 15 minutes’ worth of fame, it’s high time for this old columnist to hang up her keyboard and throw on the mortarboard and tassel. Yep, I’m graduating.

Which means I get to dump all your asses. That’s right. For six months I’ve taken all your shit – your accusations, your anger, your pompous lambasting – and now I get to dish it back at you.

Or, better yet, I can be constructive and tell you how to dish it out to that not-so-special-anymore someone.

There’s a time in almost every relationship when enough is enough. You want to let him or her down and you want to do it with minimal pain to yourself and, if you care, to the dumpee.

Getting dumped sucks, trust me. I’ve been through it more times than I like to admit. Which is why waiting to dump sucks too, because half the time the significant other beats you to the punch. If a relationship is going downhill, usually both participants will be able to sense it, and neither one wants to be the dumpee.

So take a deep breath and go for the plunge. Don’t wuss out or you’ll end up leaving yourself wide open.

Next, plan out your method. No matter what you do, his or her friends are going to hate your guts for dumping their friend. What you need is a really good excuse, something to smooth things over so that your dumpee won’t break down into a drunken, crying mess that will just irritate his/her friends all the more.

Complimenting the attractiveness of the dumpee is out, too. My friend’s boyfriend dumped her even though he still “is sexually attracted to her and thinks she’s a great person to hang out with and stuff.” Can we say “stupid excuse?” As a result, his balls are now on the top 10 most slashable list that’s passed around by my friends and me.

Don’t let yourself get on a list like this. A dumpee doesn’t want to hear what’s good about him or her when they’re being dropped. They want a reason – even a made-up reason – so they can hate you for a couple days and then get over it. Making them still seem like great people just screws with their minds and leaves them in a state of depressed confusion for months.

It also increases their hope that you’ll take them back. Which means you’ll be stuck with a stalker on your hands.

What passes as a good excuse? There’s the ever popular “let’s just be friends” idea, which may be overused, but if you can modify it to “our physical relationship is ruining our friendship too much,” you may be able to pull the dumping off.

Just remember to make the excuse valid and logical, and don’t make it someone else. That’s the surest way to get on the ball-crushing list.

If you happen to get stuck with a stalker who won’t admit that it’s over, it’s time to play hardball. Forget the subtleties. You’re dumping him or her because you’re not happy with the relationship, because you’re not attracted to him or her anymore or because there’s someone else.

And don’t forget to look into getting a restraining order.

Speaking of which, now that I’m leaving you for bigger audiences in the great beyond, please don’t be afraid to stalk me. Not in person, of course, but if you happen to come across one of my publications, don’t hesitate to drop me a line and remind me of the good old days when our relationship was all about the hump.

Consider yourself officially dumped.

Daily Nexus features editor Sarah Kent is scared of going out there alone and hopes you’ll miss her now that she’s gone.