In a fantasy world, I would own a Major League Baseball team.
Give me the thrills of the war room on draft day, and the grueling negotiations of signing and trading guys. I want to feel the rush of managing my ideal roster of overpaid, Andro-guzzling, pine tar-slapping baseball meatheads to the pinnacle of baseball glory … first place in my Fantasy Baseball League Challenge and the free banner from ESPN.com.
Ok, alright, I know it may not be the World Series. But I will never be able to gimp around second, while rhythmically pumping my fist like Kirk Gibson did to the chanting thunder of Dodger fans on one crisp October night at Chavez Ravine.
I don’t foresee a perfect game in my future or ever hitting like Ted Williams. To be honest, I haven’t played baseball since I was 10, and even then I was mediocre.
So I have resorted to a fantasy.
Now, my baseball bums and I rant and rave about Fantasy Baseball. Believe it or not, there is a cult-like following with this gig.
All you need is a modem and the true spirit of a baseball fan, and you too can be a part of our fraternity.
I’ve convinced myself of two reasons why Fantasy Baseball beats out the big leagues.
#1: Team Names
The Reds? The White Sox? And how do the Expos represent the city of Montreal? The answer better not lie in the punch line of a bad Pee Wee Herman joke. In Fantasy Baseball, you create your own fictional names. There are the traditional titles like Pure Domination and UCSB Gauchoholics, and then there are the patronizing team slogans, such as Gary Will Become My Bitch or my all-time favorite, Everybody: Eat My Balls.
#2. League Names
While I should have probably asked for permission from the creators of “There’s Something About Mary” when I stole my league name: Have You Seen My Baseball, all the copyright laws in the world couldn’t get me to run an idiotic name like The American League. Somehow the Toronto Blue Jays have managed to enter the Union.