Editor’s Note: This story is from the April Fool’s issue of the Daily Nexus.

A young plover tucks his assault rifle under his wing and marches methodically along the barbed wire fences. From behind enemy lines, he scornfully eyes nature’s biggest enemies: surfers, small children and puppies.

This plover is a member of the militant shorebird group that has declared the protection of their queen, Her Majesty Cristina Sandoval, ineffective and taken control of Sands Beach through a bloody coup d’etat.

Revolutionaries claimed responsibility for the deaths of seven surfers yesterday whose presence, plovers say, “killed the mood” for two feathered lovers seeking their animal right to procreate.

“My grandparents’ love life suffered, my parents are suffering now,” a teary-eyed General Plumpy Plover said. “Even plover prostitutes have turned to less disturbing professions.”

With population numbers already dangerously low, the significant loss of libido in the plover community triggered the war of occupation. However, beach-goers have condemned the military actions calling it, “Totally mean.”

“I don’t see what the big deal is. If they just want to have sex, why can’t they just do it right here,” sophomore communication and sociology major Jenny Starlight said. “It’s not that hard, me and my boyfriend do it all the time. Okay, so he’s not really my boyfriend – but he really likes having sex with me.”

Plover military officials said they hope to protect all threatened plovers but they have to figure out where they are first.

“Pretty soon, the pristine Central Coast wi ll rival Del Playa in the incidence of intercourse,” General Plumpy said in a news conference Monday.

The California Coastal Commission has passed several resolutions in hopes of halting the violence, however Commissioner Pedro Nava has said peace on Sands Beach is unlikely in the near future.

“Until surfers start listening to Barry White or until plovers learn to appreciate spectator sex, we might never see an end to violence,” he said. “Like somebody said before, somewhere – make love, not war.”