Television hostess Martha Stewart – America’s ideal stay-at-home mommy – became a mother on national television yesterday when she asexually birthed her own offspring.
Miss Stewart said she came out to support the asexual community and to show that budding – growing a new offspring on oneself – and mitosis – splitting of genetic material – can be accomplished using a little pizzazz.
“I did not come out to promote my new line of asexual products, which are now on sale at Kmart in all the latest spring colors or to promote my new television series, which will air on the local NBC stations every Monday at 4 p.m.,” Fraulein Stewart said.
“Besides, now that I’m free to regenerate myself, I can create a ready supply of workers for my sweatshops,” Se–orita Stewart added.
There are many ways too tell that your child is an asexual being using these simple tips from the expert Mademoiselle Stewart:
-What starts as a large wart on your arm springs into a genetically identical you.
-Your finger breaks off and, after planting it in a Martha Stewart seafoam- colored planter lined with peat moss, it grows another you.
-A splitting headache followed by a splitting of your genetic material. Take two Martha Stewart chewable aspirins and prepare for that cute little bundle of you.
Once you have identified your child as an asexual being, the decorating fun begins. Surround your child with positive role models such as the action figure Hermaphrophobic Harry. Buy your child Martha Stewart 25-percent post-consumer comfort toys such as stuffed planarians, nematodes and echinoderms like starfish.
Stock your child’s library with classic asexual books such as The Little Starfish that Could …Rip Open a Clam and Suck Out Its Tissue Matter, Burt the Bacterium Who Lives in Your Colon, and Al Gore: An Autobiography.
Make the nursery as safe as possible to prevent your child from breaking off a body part and regenerating itself. Surround the crib with classic white Martha Stewart bumpers to protect your little budding bundle. Do not place the crib in direct sunlight or near a heater as it might provide the catalyst that speeds up your child’s own mitosis.
As more people choose asexual reproduction, they are also choosing appropriate asexual names. This year’s most popular asexual names are Hydra, Bud and M.J. (Me Junior).