Ben Curtis: Today is an 827. No one knows who you are yet, but they recognize you when you say, “Dude! You’re gettin’ a DellTM!” You are good with computers, but remember that technology and Tisch grads constantly become obsolete. You may want to change your name to “Steve” unless your reporting gig at Sundance gets you a big break. Yahoo’s largest club is devoted to you. 827 members can’t be wrong.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Today is a 4. Fans and all others who like boobies will be pleased at your efforts in four new “Buffy” episodes to begin this week. Be aware that no fan with a healthy sex life is ever truly die-hard. With that in mind, if these episodes don’t kick some Sunnydale butt, don’t expect anyone to cry when the network slays you. Again.
Jennifer Aniston: Today is a 4,000,000. Fox Searchlight will pay it for the rights to “The Good Girl,” an independent flick from Miguel Arteta. Best of all, you’re going to be the star! Events from your past may come back to haunt you, however. People will wonder why you’re taking so little money. Don’t give into their scrutiny. Just tell them you’re on “Friends.”
George Lucas: Today is a 14.95 plus shipping and handling. You will lose a lawsuit protecting your reputation against porn spoofs of your movies. It doesn’t matter, however. Given the allowance of *NSYNC into your latest film, fans will groan but will inevitably see you for what you are. Could somebody open this Jarjar for me?
Regis Philbin: Today is a 50:50. You have chosen to decline the duties of hosting the daytime version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” Relations at the workplace will be strained for awhile, and all you’ll be able to do is tough it out. If the syndicated “Millionaire” fails against the daytime version of “Weakest Link,” you will be right where you started, so don’t despair. That is, unless you’re replaced
Ryan Philippe: Today is an Episode One. Pay attention to your thoughts. Your Golden Globes performance ascribes to an “existential falafel … philosophy.” Your vegetarian school of thought will help you in John Frankenheimer’s untitled prequel to “The Exorcist.” You may learn something from Liam Neeson, who will play Father Merrin. The film’s working title: “The Exorcist, Episode One: The Pantene Menace.”
Alan Jackson: Today is a #1. Congratulations on proving that mullets are still in by selling 230,000 copies of your album, Drive, placing you at number one on the album charts for two weeks in a row. In the number two position is Weathered, the debut of stoner God-rockers Creed, who are wishing you could take them higher. Take advantage of this opportunity: SoundScan hasn’t traditionally been kind to country.
Cameron Diaz: Today is a 20,000,000. Although Drew Barrymore’s contract said no one could make more than her in “Charlie’s Angels,” you are in for a cool $20 million and some high-flying boobie antics in its sequel. No one knows for sure whether “Charlie’s Angels 2” will be on par, but ask yourself: why isn’t Bill Murray going to reprise his role? And why is this still a fraction of the going price of male stars?