Angry nocturnal elephants roam in my neighborhood.

Their thunderous footsteps shatter my sleep and rattle my windows. Their low bass communications vibrate through my walls and jar my bones. There is evidence of their movements, as they leave a destroyed path of broken bottles and outdoor furniture every night.

I have contracted Tanzanian elephant poachers to hunt down the marauding midnight pachyderms, and I have purchased an elephant rifle for my own protection.

Wednesday’s Forecast: Turn down your damned stereo.