"You can’t have nice things."

That’s what I said on Nov. 8 to explain why George W. Bush would be the next president. I caught shit from my fellow neo-commie leftist fruit-loops. "What about the popular vote?! What about voting irregularities?! What about justice?! This will not stand! Jesse Jackson is involved!"

I just nodded. No point arguing with fools – especially when you borrow money from them.

But now Bush is pretty much elected (attn. Gore legal team: You can’t have nice things) and it’s over. It’s all over. Kiss everything goodbye, kiddies. The bad moon has risen, and for the next four years the werewolf of a Bush presidency is going to leap on America’s neck, howling madly, slobbering profusely and spraying out crimson giblets with every shake of its greedy maw. Anyone who thought Reagan was bad is not prepared for the vile shit about to go down.

Reagan won in one night and faced a Democratic congress. Election Night 2000 is 19 days and counting. The Republicans are the congressional majority, and they want tax breaks and virgin sacrifices. I fully expect our next Supreme Court justice to be Walt Disney’s head mounted on the mechanically enhanced body of Mussolini.

Bush spent more corporate money than any other candidate ever has, most of it from grease-oil-drills-in-Alaska-with-baby-seal-blood types. And then there are the people who ran the Bush campaign and will run the White House.

Let’s take a moment now to get to know them, before the inevitable indictments.

Karl Rove (Bush campaign consultant): In Texas, they call him "Bush’s Brain," and he isn’t even offended. He spent his college days as a self-described "diehard Nixonite," which is somehow more respectable than "diehard Satanist." From 1991 to 1996 he consulted for Philip Morris, quitting when it came time to elect Bush as governor. In that race he limited Bush’s public speaking, avoiding any subliminal messages. In other Texas races, Rove was fond of complaining to the FBI that the opposition was spying on Republicans, forcing the feds to start investigating – and then Rove leaked word of the investigation to the press.

Barry McBee (Bush appointee to the Texas Natural Resources Conservation Committee): TNRCC is the Texas version of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). These are the boys responsible for Houston’s chunky-style air. In the last six years, TNRCC has sided with industry against federal air-quality health standards. McBee worked in the last Bush administration and is a fair bet to be the guy in charge of the EPA in Bushland. When McBee was deputy director of the Texas Department of Agriculture, he gutted regulations requiring farmers to warn workers before spraying fields. McBee is an ultradevout Christian, who once launched into a sermon on love and mercy before a landfill vote. God loves a trash heap.

Dick Cheney (our new vice president): Dickey Boy has a remarkable voting record for napalm-strafing those who can’t speak for themselves. In the Senate, he voted against every conceivable poverty package, the EPA, the Dept. of Education and the economic embargo on apartheid South Africa. He was secretary of defense for W.’s daddy. Since then, he made well over $30 million in the oil industry. Cheney ran Bush’s VP selection committee and ultimately selected himself.

Here’s the thing: The Democratic Party is responsible for just about everything Americans are about to get, good and hard. They nominated an uninspired, chameleon-like hack named Al Gore. The Democrats sold everyone on the left down the river in a steady shift toward conservatism in a desperate bid to compete with Republicans on their own turf, and then had the balls to blame liberals for voting Nader or not at all. It is the Democratic Party’s fault that the gates to hell are about to open wide.

The line, as always, forms to the right.

This is the end, my only friend, the end of our elaborate plans, because you can’t have nice things. Except for Assistant Campus Editor Brendan Buhler’s column, "Black Box."