A new job opportunity has opened up for students on campus this week at UCSB’s Transportation and Parking Services. Not just anyone can apply, however. To obtain a position within the department, Transportation and Parking Services (TPS) asks that you be the absolute scum of the motherfucking Earth. 

TPS director Linda Shillman stated that this is the most important factor in assembling an employee base. “That’s all we’re really asking for,” she said as Nexustentialism caught up with her in her office, with acid-green sludge dripping from her eye sockets. “We really want students who can do this job well.” It was then reported that Shillman took a live mouse out of her desk drawer and ate it with her forked tongue. 

In a schoolwide email, TPS stated that applicants must find joy and fulfillment in tears, the pain of others, setting ants on fire with a magnifying glass and generally just ruining lives.

“I’ve been a TPS officer for a quarter now,” student Ian Hoover stated. “It has been an honor absolutely destroying someone’s perfectly good day.” Nexustentialism was lucky enough to be able to tag along with Hoover during his shift, where he wrote a $150 ticket for a car parked a minute after its expiration, put “reserved” cones in front of all the available spots in Lot 22 for no reason at all and poked holes in tires for the fun of it. 

“It’s really important that, on top of the thousands that students have to pay to go here, they know that the university is actively choking just a tiny bit more money out of them,” Hoover noted while pissing on the windshield of a Subaru. 

“One of our more popular positions is the facilitator of appeals,” Shillman added, after she’d swallowed that mouse from before. The position in question is stationed in a small, windowless room with nothing but a desk and a 1998 Windows computer that displays incoming appeals. 

“It’s been one of my favorite jobs,” current facilitator Sarah Tran said. “All you have to do is decide whether to accept or decline the appeal, and there’s actually no accept button. I love to read their pleas of mercy and just laugh and laugh and laugh.” Nexustentialism noted that while watching her in action, Tran dipped singular pieces of cereal into a small cup of warm milk before eating them and, true to form, laughing maniacally.

 

This article is not related to the $48 parking ticket Emma Demorest graciously received. She is actively looking for ways not to pay it, if anyone knows how.

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