- Sexy Mountain Lion
They say fear and arousal often go hand in hand, so take a page out of Mother Nature’s book and dress up as the newest apex predator to hit the streets of Isla Vista: the infamous UCSB mountain lion. Trigger your crush’s fight-or-flight response with this scary costume — and when they realize they’re not being mauled, they’ll fall right into your arms … erm, paws?
- Sexy (AKA Regular) Daddy Yang
I think we can all agree — the chancellor we know and love absolutely oozes sex appeal. We all know that sex appeal is all about power, and that makes “Big Daddy” Chancellor Henry Yang one of the sexiest men on campus (call me! XO).
- Sexy Storke Tower
Storke screams sexy: it’s a penis, people. Take a long, hard look at its beige beauty and tell me it isn’t the sexiest piece of architecture on this side of the Mississippi.
- Sexy CAPS Therapist
There’s nothing sexier than mental health — or at least that’s what my therapist tells me. This year, try channeling your inner Freud by making therapy sexier than ever! This costume is a breeze to put together: the top half gets a tweed sportcoat and a girthy cigar (to satisfy your oral fixation) and the bottom half gets nothing!
- The Physical Manifestation of Depression
Halloween is right smack in the middle of midterm season, so you can bet your sweet serotonin that ghouls and goblins aren’t the only demons you’re going to be dealing with this ‘Ween. And as my therapist also says: if you’re going to be sad, at least make it sexy!
- Beer and Die
Couple’s costume alert! One partner goes as the beer, and the other as the die. Throw in a third member as the table if you’re looking for a group costume for your polyamorous throuple.
- Sexy iClicker
Bonus points if you go as both your iClicker and a friend’s; academic dishonesty is for schmucks anyway, and there’s no professors looking over your shoulder when you’re walking the streets on All Hallows’ Eve.
- Bike Accident Victim
Forgot to dress up for Halloween and you’re already biking to class on the 31st? Worry not: a sharp turn into some nearby bushes, and you’re ready to go! Remind your fellow commuters to wear their helmets by showing them the spooky side of cycling this Halloween!
- Sexy Raccoon and Dumpster
Truly a match made in heaven and arguably even one of the power couples of the century. Raccoons and dumpsters have gone hand in paw since the Isla Vista area was originally settled by their trash-panda ancestors.
- Sexy Barefooter
This one goes out to all the granolas and foot-fetishists here at UCSB. Think you’ve got arches to die for? The 31st is the night to show them off! If you’re worried about stepping on a broken bottle and bleeding out, don’t worry! You’ll just get a free, bonus costume as a ghost — extra authentic.
Max Myszkowski does not celebrate pagan holidays.
Max Myszkowski is a third-year chemistry major who has an unhealthy obsession with Storke Tower and currently serves as the editor of Nexustentialism. He is illiterate.