Based on real UCSB bathroom graffiti, here are the 5 UCSB girls you will meet based on these quotes somebody probably wrote while they were pooping!
1. The Freshman Virgin
Also known as the only virgin you are going to meet. Finding a virgin past freshman year is like
finding a surfer boy with shoes: non-existent. This young lady has clearly been necking with a
senior boy if she’s getting the big O (or she’s lying).
2. The Stoner
Here we have 95 percent of the student body population. If you enter any home in Isla Vista,
you are bound to find some sort of weed paraphernalia, typically in the form of a bong
apparatus. Philosophical rantings will follow your first, “Heyyyy dudette.”
3. The “Man-hating” sorority girl
This typically takes about two to three weeks for a sorority girl to start hating the fraternity
pledge they fell in love with at first sight, despite him blatantly labeling himself “King of the
Bitches.” Whoever Tony is has probably moved onto her sorority sister by now… Sorry sweetie.
4. The Feminist Lesbian
A rare breed indeed on this campus, but they exist. What else is college for but experimenting,
am I right? Can’t go wrong trusting a bathroom stall.
5. The Politically Correct World Savior
What’s a plastic bag?! These girls have never even HEARD of such a thing. And do NOT get them
started on the patriarchal, oppressive, capitalist, masculine, aggressive and
non-environmentally friendly presidential regime.
Where to find them: Campus United, baby. Welcome to Hell.
Mia Roncati is a fourth-year Wumbology student and for SURE didn’t write any of these quotes.