It’s a well-known fact that UCSB is home to some of the kinkiest motherfuckers out there (and some of the safest as less than 1 percent of our student population has chlamydia!). So it’s about goddamn time we up the stakes with some good old sex toys inspired by this money-sucking hellhole of a college! Here at UCSB we don’t do multiple choice, we do multiple orgasm:
1. Storke Tower Dildo
Can’t we all just admit Storke Tower is a massive stone peen? It’s like UCSB is paying homage to the voyeuristic sex gods who overlook our campus, and with a tower dildo, we can worship these sex gods without having to sacrifice freshman virgins. Now we have a storke tower dildo that strokes us to the same heights as the tower itself reaches.
2. Soccer Ball Anal Beads
Harder Stadium might be the home of natty champs but with these soccer-inspired anal beads you’ll be the champion of the Santa Barbara sexathon. Trust us, these anal beads will leave you Harder than the stadium.
3. Ole Approved Whip
What else do you need for your BDSM fantasies than an Ole tested and approved whip? Watch out because cowboy Ole’s about to reel you in.
4. A Bike-Powered Vibrator
UCSB is the home of bike traffic, why not make your frantic pedaling as you’re late to class worthwhile by charging your vibrator with the energy from your bike? It’s called multitasking, folks, plus we all know you were late to class because you couldn’t get your girl to finish, at least do her this favor with a vibrator.
5. A Full-Sized Raccoon Fursuit
The unofficial mascot of UCSB is actually the official mascot of our underground fetish culture! Channel your weirdest fucking kinks and put this raccoon fursuit on and savagely racoon fuck your way through IV! Bonus points for banging in a dumpster.
6. Academic Butt Plug
What better way to remind you of the feeling of failing another ochem midterm than getting a massive XXL buttplug shoved up the ass. Bonus: your now loose and useless asshole will give you preparation in coping with the future uselessness of your degree!
7. Egg Chair Sex Swing
Relax while you’re gettin’ down. The gentle rocking will remind you of the comforting love and hugs you never received as a child. We get it — sometimes you wanna get railed while you cry and have a mental breakdown; that’s what the egg chair sex swing is here for.
Phyllis Phallus is a certified sex toy and UCSB enthusiast.