You’re probably wondering, really, Nexus? Bread? Are you really running out of ideas?
No! I have a plethora of dumb ideas throwing a tantrum in my brain to be noticed, but for the
sanity of UCSB, they will never see the light of day.
We all know all bread isn’t created equal in the eyes of the
Carb Lord. Here is the ranking that was given to me in a (not-drug induced, gosh) dream:
5. White Bread
Ah, yes, this staple of the American diet is at the bottom of the food chain. No, this isn’t racist.
My health is screaming for me to put this bland-nothing down — and it didn’t even say anything
when I ate six Hot Pockets.
4. Multi-Grain Bread
Healthier than white bread, but those hard pieces have GOT to go. It’s like going for smooth
peanut butter and getting chunky: a total turn off. Would 10/10 only eat if there were no other
options beside the aforementioned white bread.
The most underrated bread of them all. Points are deducted for the lack of fluffiness, but
religious reasons have been taken into consideration. Have you ever put Nutella on on of these
babies? A thin slice of heaven. (Get it?)
2. The Dinner Roll
What would a full course meal be without this and one of those little pre-wrapped butter
things? Hell, gimme eight rolls at an Italian restaurant, and it is a full course meal.
Extra happy points added if it’s warmed.
No, this isn’t cheating because it had additives. Carbs are carbs, dammit, and it is literal love
you can taste. It’s as if self-love and happiness made a baby and slathered that baby in solidified sugar. Pro-tip: You get a free cinnabread on your birthday from Woodstock’s! Time to get 364 fake IDs.
The Daily Nexus is not responsible for over-consumption, nor is it liable for carb-induced illness.
Mia Roncati has been tricked into going to Carbs Anonymous after being told it was a new
course offered for bread majors.