Jose Ochoa / Daily Nexus

This Sunday morning, after a night of over-sexualization sprinkled with a hint a misogyny, the lovely ladies of Isla Vista have come to a startling conclusion, unheard of even in the scientific world: men, yes ALL men, ain’t shit.

A proclamation was written by three women; within two hours, the group meeting had almost 500 attendees, most of them stumbling in accidentally after their walks of shame. The proclamation outlines the women’s grievances with not only men of Isla Vista, but of the entire world. They argue that women have been plagued by men who treat them like “FreeBirds” girls, when they are actually “Los Agaves” girls. They call for a dismantling of all frat houses, the burning of the Rec Cen and a collective agreement never to give their phone numbers to anyone named Brad, Jonathan and especially not to any who goes by their last name.

One of the leaders of the campaign, Britanni (with an “I,” not a “Y”), discusses how their conclusions differ from the man-hating feminists of the 1970s: “The hairy ladies of the 1970s were, like, lame, angry lesbians, when we’re, like, hot girls who also have great personalities, so people will def listen to what we say.”

The men of Isla Vista have barely noticed that the girls are rallying against them. When asked for a comment on the situation, Brad Bradsmith said, “Britanni? The girl who could possibly be a 10 with some makeup? Eh, she’s probably just a clingy broad and angry that she wasn’t the best I had in bed.”

Bradsmith was then high-fived by the group of other “men” around him. The others were also as completely oblivious to the cause as Bradsmith.

The women of this feminist agenda will be holding a service for their lost virginities and wasted time on Monday at Embarcadero Hall.


Mia Roncati is mostly certainly not bitter, but she is salty that you would suggest such a thing.