Have you ever wanted to make large sums of money? But work is, well, work, and you have too much “I’m a real adult in college” pride to ask your parents for money? There is an easier solution for you that involves zero hard work! (Except maybe feigning interest in unimportant things like golf and the stock market.) Sugar daddies are the next big lazy millennial endeavor, and here are the top five ways to get yours:
1. Set your Tinder settings to ages 45-70
Pro tip: Swipe right on every person, but make your caption “swipe right if your salary is over $100,000 a year only.”
Warning: You may get some lying creepers, so make sure you ask for their latest tax returns as well.
2. Go to your local Lowe’s or Home Depot.
Everyone knows there is a plethora of daddies at any hardware/home goods store.
Pro tip: Go to the lawnmower section and find the dad buying the biggest lawnmower.
3. Drop it like it’s hot inside of a candy shop
Bending over to pick up a lollipop is a surefire way to score the owner of your local family candy store. While he may not have a lot of money, he is rolling in unlimited candy.
4. Ask your dad to throw a barbeque
Nothing says “be my sugar daddy” like undercooked sausages and your dad glaring at you in your short crop top.
5. Create an account on a sugar daddy website
This is the fastest and most reliable way to become a sugar baby! You can even set your settings to the highest income, and sometimes they’re young and cute! I wouldn’t know from experience or anything like that…
Mia Roncati is currently taking applications for someone to pay for her college tuition or, more importantly, her Coachella ticket. Serious inquiries only.