The parents are coming! After six weeks of glorious freedom and no one but your roommates to judge you for your bad life decisions, the parental units will be in I.V. in full force this weekend. So hide your booze, Febreze your rooms and buckle in for what will almost seem like a weekend back home.
Step 1: Hide Contraband
Sweep your room like an RA just knocked on your door after hours. It may be hard to remember what in the piles of stuff on your floor is parental-approved, so just try to imagine your mother’s face when she sees each item. Don’t forget to stuff those free condoms you’ve been collecting in the desk drawer!
Step 2: Clean
Actually sweep your room. Or vacuum. Or shove things under the bed. Just make sure you can see the floor.
Step 3: See the Sights
Your parents are sure to want to see where their babies have been living the past few weeks. Your room probably horrified them a bit, even with the efforts of steps 1 and 2, so distract them with lovely views of the lagoon (make sure to stand upwind), the majestically phallic Storke Tower and the shining beer-can-lined beauty that is DP after a Friday night. To personalize your tour, be sure to include your favorite nap spot in the library.
Step 4: Go Grocery Shopping
This is the most vital part of Parents Weekend. Do I really need to explain why?
Step 5: Take Shots
After the excitement has worn off over seeing you again, questions will surely arise about your midterm grades. At this point, pull out that bottle of Kirkland vodka you hid under your bed and take some shots with the ’rents. It’ll take the edge off.
Step 6: Cry
As the weekend comes to an inevitable end, and you’re left standing on the curb of your dorm waving goodbye as your parents drive off into the sunset, don’t be afraid to shed a couple tears, be they of relief or because you realized how much you actually miss your family.
Zoey Brandt is a third-year English major who did not do any of these things when her parents came to visit because she’s an angel. Hi, Mom!