Moving out of your parents’ house and moving in to a place of your own in college is a great opportunity … for sex. Well, it’s also a great opportunity for independence and self-discovery, but mostly sex. However, those dreams of adventurous, crazy love-making are quickly shattered upon seeing your room for the first time and discovering a confining bunk bed that rises mere inches away from the ceiling. “I guess I will be staying a virgin forever” is what one freshman might say, hopes and aspirations dashed to a million fragments. Lament no longer, eager, hormonal gauchos, for I am here to unveil the secrets of having both fun and creative sex on a bunk bed without having to suffer from severe concussions.
1. The Wet Laundry
Doggie-style is quite difficult on a bunk bed especially when your partner is too tall to kneel completely upright. The wet laundry is a modified version, custom made for the bunk bed. It’s quite simple, really: One partner bends over the edge of the bed, hanging from the waist, like wet laundry draped over a clothesline while the other partner is positioned over the first partner and humps from behind. Simple, right? You’re welcome.
2. The Spider
This position is perfect for those who enjoy making eye contact and observing the process of love-making. Simply sit on your bed with both hands placed firmly against the mattress to support your torso. Next, place your legs on either side of your partner’s waist. That’s all there is to it!
3. The Dolphin
This position is for those who despise physical exertions (why are you having sex?). Since there is very-little-to-no movement that can cause an unwanted moment of intimacy between your walls, the bed frame and your ceiling, this position will prove useful to you. Simply lay on top of your partner and slowly move your body forward like a lazy dolphin swimming through cool (and totally pollution-free) ocean waters. To heighten the experience, play some calming, nautical music in the background.
4. The Matrix
This position is a more acrobatic version of the missionary. You don’t want to do the missionary for the rest of the quarter, do you? Good, ’cause that shit gets old. Since space is a huge issue with bunk beds as well as the safety of someone’s skull, this position will come in handy. First, assume the missionary position. Next, instead of kneeling erect (ha-ha) bend backward as if you were Neo avoiding a bullet and your life depended on it … or rather, your sex life.
5. Stairway to Heaven
For those of you who have a particularly deviant and dark sexual appetite, you must try stairway to heaven, a very kinky way of having sex using your bunk bed. Yes, it is possible to get very freaky in a bunk bed. This one, however, requires standing as well as one useful item … tie your partner to the steps of the ladder’s bunk bed and do her from behind. And if you must, you can play “Stairway to Heaven” in the background to drown out the crescendo of your shuddering moans.
6. The Yin Yang
Are you very fond of oral stimulation? Of course you are, you dirty dirty libertine. Give the yin yang a try by laying on your side in opposite ends of the bed. Wrap your arms around each others’ hips and commence the stimulation. Easy, right?
7. The Hamstring Stretch
Speaking of oral, check this one out for those who enjoy receiving and giving fellatio! Unfortunately, this is not as simple and easy as the ying[[yin]] yang. While the female partner lays down either with her head propped against a pillow or against the wall, the other kneels on one leg and places the other leg firmly against the wall. He then uses it to push himself forward and backward, as if he was stretching his hamstrings.
8. The Koala Hug
Are you an extremely affectionate person? Do you absolutely crave the long, satisfying hugs your mother never gave you? Well my friend, the koala hug is the perfect position for you. For this position, you and your partner must lay on your side, with her back facing yours. Next, have your arms and legs wrapped securely around her like a koala clinging to a tree. Nuzzle your face against the nape of her neck and commence the love-making.
9. The Atari
To those of you don’t know what an Atari is, it is a video game device used many years ago before the age of Xbox and Wii, before the existence of smartphones and iPads, a time when people lived like cavemen. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s mentioned in Cee Lo Green’s “Forget You.” For those of you have played this video game, this position will be a very nostalgic one for you. And please, refrain from getting the sniffles when doing this. Simply let your female friend sheath your appendage while facing you. Then, let her gyrate her hips. This maneuver prevents her from fracturing her skull against the ceiling while humping.
So, this weekend go to a party, meet a cute girl or boy and utilize these sex positions. If all else fails, put your bike helmets to good use. Always practice safe sex.