The average person tells seven lies a day. I’m not sure if I read that from a Snapple fact or if I just made that up. But anyway, I didn’t believe it at first, until I started listening to half the shit I say. And turns out, it’s probably right. And I’m likely above average.
Sometimes lying is fun, but almost always, lying makes you seem a hell of a lot cooler than you really are. Well, that is, until you get caught.
1. The Athlete: Everyone loves an athlete. It’s a completely forgivable category. You can be a douchebag, closet weirdo or have the IQ of a donkey, but as long as you have the jersey, you’re a fuckin’ stud. But even if you have the makeup of an athlete (chiseled bod, that stupid ass arrogance for no reason at all and excessive grab-ass behavior — regardless of gender), you’ve got nothin’ if you peaked in high school. So while you’re talkin’ to Miss Dick-Sucking-Lips on the couch, you might have to throw a curveball. “Yeah, I’m on the basketball team, it’s really no big deal.” And as she scoots close enough to you to potentially perform a ballcuzi, you choke. “I mean, I’m on the I.M. team, but it’s cool. We won our bracket. You’re still going home with me, right?” Don’t be surprised if she retaliates with, “Let’s put it this way, does a priest make a good babysitter?” (Sorry, too close to Easter; brb going to hell.)
2. The Virgin: Although it’s hard to believe that a) this rare breed exists in Isla Vista and b) they’d be willing to give it up the same night that they met you, you can’t beat this one if you play it off right. Disclaimer: If you don’t, you’ll end up beating it yourself. Meeting a virgin is like entering into the apocalypse. No matter how much you think you’re prepared, you’re still fucked. Wading through the excitement and ego boost, you all of a sudden land on the holy shit freak out that this person is about to remember you forever. But, then, of course, once you’re actually in bed, they start bending like a yoga teacher, hanging upside down from their sex swing, throwing out moves you’ve only seen on T.V. programs. And I’m talkin’ the expensive ones.
3. The Writer: This one has so many different angles to work with. If you’re a guy, you look sentimental and smart, and if you’re a girl, well, likely you’re smart enough to steal my thunder and play off that you’re Elizabeth Brooks. Clothes come off, and if you’re real wild, sheets may come off too, and then all of a sudden you’re like, “Fuck. What did I just get myself into here? Did I just inadvertently sign up for a Dirty Sanchez? I should’ve done my research on my fake job. Shit.” Well, word to the wise, be prepared for my new favorite question, “Oh my God, are you going to write about this?” Why, yes. Yes I am. It’s on like Groupon.
4. The Slayer: There’s a fine line between creepy and crafty. Make enough sexual innuendos: crafty. Walk into Jack in the Box in the nude and throw open your robe: creepy. But sometimes, if your little innuendos come off too strong, you might as well start investing in a cheap cotton robe. Talking a big game is lying’s sneaky, twatty sister that no one invited. If you have no intention of following through, you’re just a classic cock-tease, or, you’re in too deep. While you’re jammin’ at a party to “Club Can’t Handle Me” (because enough time has passed for it to be okay to get excited about this song again), you might want to hold back on the, “Yeah, well, if the club can’t handle you, I bet your bottom fuckin’ dollar my hotel room can,” unless you have Gold Cab’s number on speed dial. It comes down to two choices: run, or rail and bail. If you’re gonna lie, you gotta commit.
5. The Magician: This is one you don’t see very often, unless you’re into David Blaine — or some magical panty dropper effect that I’m unaware of — but mostly just David Blaine. And while it seems far-fetched, and probably some level of just plain uncool to pretend to be a magician, think about what it would be like to encounter one. You’d start out like, “Yeah, sweet, other than pulling a Houdini and blowing a load in a girl’s face, what other little ‘magic’ do you have?” But what if they were a real magician? You might find out what the fuck actually happens when they saw someone in half. Think of all of the secrets you would finally have answers to! Maybe you could join in on one of the acts, hit the road and end up in Vegas. Oh, the possibilities. Just make sure you at least have the abraca-chicken one down before you go big.
Deceiving someone to get them into bed is just plain cruel. But “I love you,” “I’ll pull out” or “I’m on the pill” are all a little too overused to be taken seriously. So get creative. It may be bad, but hey, it’s fun to do bad things.