Prompted by three recent acts of terrorism in the UCSB community, the student body has fallen under scrutiny from the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security. Reporters have learned that these agencies are tapping the phones and monitoring the text messages of all UCSB students under the provisions of the Patriot Act of 2001. FBI agent Jack Briggs explained that this invasion of privacy is justified in the name of public safety.
“It is very important to prevent another arson attempt,” Briggs said. “We ask students who may be innocent to sacrifice their privacy temporarily to aid us in this mission.”
While the FBI continues its investigation, agents seem more interested in gossiping about UCSB students than solving the case.
“This wiretap case is like a reality show,” Briggs said. “Ever since ‘Kourtney and Kim Take New York’ ended I have been itching for some entertainment.”
The FBI has been taking internal bets about whether or not sophomore Joey Ramis will get back together with freshman Brianna Smith. Briggs said the office is quite divided over the matter.
“I don’t think they’ll get back together,” exclaimed Briggs. “Joey is such a dick, he didn’t answer Brianna’s text on Saturday, and Brianna was all texting Kelsey to complain, and Kelsey was all, he’s such a jerk just forget about him. But Kelsey had been texting Joey all day and even sent him a pic of her boobs, then later Joey texted Brianna, ‘Oh, I just got your text I was studying all day.’ But that’s total bullshit because Joey invited Kelsey over and they were totally hooking up. Not to mention Joey’s roommate Mike is like totally in love with Kelsey so he was all pissed about Kelsey and Joey, so he texted his friend James talking about how he was gonna tell Brianna about Kelsey and Joey, and James was all like, no bro you can’t break the guy-code like that bro, and Mike was all like, Bro Joey’s being such a dick bro, I told him I liked Kelsey bro. Then James was all like, guy-code! C’mon bro!”
Terrorism expert Jane Simmons, although stumped on potential perpetrator leads, took a different stance on the Joey-Brianna situation.
“Mike’s not like going to tell Brianna anything because that will cause so much drama between Kelsey and Brianna, then Kelsey will be pissed at him, and like, he’s still like super in love with Kelsey. But Kelsey was talking to Gina and she was like, I only hooked up with Mike to make Joey jealous, and then Gina texted Betty, ‘OMG so much dramaaa,’ and Betty was like, ‘I know OMG 4 realz I cnt handle it.’ But the best part was that Betty was totally flirting with Gina’s boyfriend, Andrew, at Rick’s party and she didn’t even know it.”
As of press time, the wiretaps had yet to uncover any leads as to the perpetrators of the Molotov cocktail attacks on the IVFP, or the arson attack at the on-campus construction site.
- Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner.