Sometimes getting laid isn’t the problem; the problem is answering the booty call.
No, I’m not talking about the girls who fight with themselves about their morals at 2:30 in the morning: “I’m not just a piece of ass! Well, he did take me to coffee that one time…” You’re not fooling anyone; we all know you’re going.
What I’m talking about is the not-so-perfect-perfect dilemma: deciding which booty call to answer. Now, this is easy if one of your pursuers is a trog (that’s a hybrid of a troll and a frog), but if you’re attempting to go for the hat trick of hookups this weekend, you’ve got to throw in some technique.
First you have to assess the situation: who’s down, where do they live and how good is your stamina? It’s a game of sex Tetris … or maybe Jenga if you fuck up. Always go for the drunkest one first. They’re not going to make it much longer if you don’t make a move soon. Either you make a move or they’re going to stumble over to Super Cucas before you can get in their cooka. If you’re into morals you might just pass on this one, but I personally don’t give a fuck about your morals.
Anyway, chances are you aren’t going to bang all of your booty calls back-to-back, unless, of course, you’re a slooter or have a dick worthy of a blue ribbon. So basically you get the chance to build the perfect hookup. Maybe booty call number one has ass fodayz, and number two has some rah-rah ta-tas. Shit, if you’re on tap for three girls, maybe you should save the trog for last and fantasize about the combination of the first two. No, but seriously, get rid of the trog.
It’s still key to keep tabs on your potential hookups while you’re with the first one, that way they don’t get bored waiting for you and start going through their phone book. All a girl has to do is keep letting the guy — who’s waiting in the wings — know that she’s on her way. Girls take forever to do anything, plus their sense of direction sucks. So, the guy will probably assume she’s Google-mapping her way over or having a half naked, slumber party with her girlfriends where everyone has a big old pillow fight, or whatever other stupid, untrue shit guys think about.
Guys have it harder, because girls are fucking impatient. We’re slow as molasses, sure, but if you are then we’ll rip your fucking head off for it. Just drop a comment to the hookup that you’re with while you’re texting the other girls about how precious it is that you and your mom are both drunk texting each other. Dirty lie, I know, but using your mom as a tool to womanize? New low. Thanks for the gift of life, Mom, sorry for shitting on it.
Once you’ve reached destination one, don’t get too comfortable, because you don’t want to leave the impression that you’re sleeping over. Don’t even mention the word “tomorrow.” Just allude to how shitty you are at sharing a bed, or how you don’t want to be a shacker. You definitely want to get that out of the way before you’re swooped into a 90-minute cuddle sesh. Be clever, but don’t over do it or you’ll look like a shady asshole. Take a tip from the classic two-minute drill. Not quite the motto to go by for having sex (can I get a wham bam thank you ma’am!) but for the meaningless chatter that happens before the hookup. One hundred twenty seconds on the clock, please, and go.
On your (hopefully) graceful exit, you have to remember every damn shortcut in I.V. to get to the second house only mildly out of breath. Nothing screams desperate like a person running into your house to see you. Flattering or creepy? You pick (If you picked flattering, pick again).
This idea really puts your skills to the test. The ultimate scavenger hunt for boinking. It’s not easy, but c’mon, you can do it, put your back into it. But really, who the fuck am I to judge whether you can do this or not? Let’s be real — I’m usually the drunkass behind hookup door number one.
Did Daily Nexus sex columnist Elizabeth Brooks just admit to being a trog?