Statewide budget cuts have put pressure on almost every department of UCSB. Even our most successful sports programs have recently found themselves strapped for cash. But, by a stroke of luck, the UCSB volleyball team was approached by Barry Mills, leader of the white supremacist gang the Aryan Brotherhood. Mills told reporters that his organization was “searching for the whitest people in the world in order to store their DNA and ensure the continuance of the white race.”
“I am very pleased with the genetics of the players, who are almost uniformly blond-haired, blue-eyed Aryans — and, as an added bonus, these boys average 6’5,” he said. “If we ever have to repopulate the white race, I hope the new spawns will be as pure-blooded and strong as these fine young men.”
Volleyball Head Coach Ron O’Hare was thrilled about the influx of cash. “I think we could use the money to improve our facilities, and that’s really great because we will be able to attract better recruits,” he said.
The Aryan Brotherhood reportedly bought the DNA as an insurance policy in case blacks, Jews, Latinos and mixed race people take over the world.
But Mills’ search is not over — he is still searching for pure-blooded women who might be willing to donate their uteruses for the cause.
Daily Nexus satire columnist Matt Renner will report next week on the badminton team’s role in Osama bin Laden’s assassination.
Wow Matt, you sunk to a new low.
Suprised you could get into college with this low brow thinking and commentary. Anyone who can get into college, especially UCSB should be an intellectual and be above racist thinking.
Seriously??? This is supposed to be amusing?
You can see that the volleyball team doesn’t have a sense of humor. To be able to satirize racism is what defines someone who is not uptight about it and is relatively evolved
I guess the volleyball team doesn’t like to be satirized. Hey a mark of getting beyond racism is to satirize it. It isn’t funny to the racists, they’re serious about it. If you are anti racist you can step back and laugh.
Pete,
The volleyball team has nothing to do with this post,
it is a lame satire columnist Matt Renner of the Daily Nexus
Really Jim, u dont think its funny to say that the volley is all white people… just how people make jokes about black basketball players? White people arent excluded from racial comedy. This isn’t low brow comedy… this is clearly subtle comedy thats above ur head. and yes… if ur completely comfortable with urself as a non judgemental, non racist human being, racial satire is completely funny. AND BTW… out of the 25 mens volleyball team players..25 are them are white.. GET OVER URSELF!
and also, its comedy… its meant to make u laugh, its not meant to be politically correct or anything. So if ur uncomfortable with jokes that are racist, u shouldnt watch tv… or a movie. or any other source of entertainment… u can have the wednesday hump using vulgarities, and describing sex in great detail, but matt renner cant make a joke about the white volleyball team. COME ON
Apparently your readings are limited to playboy and Maxim. If you did not realize this is a university newspaper. UCSB is a place of learning and higher education. In Matt’s debut to journalism his selection of material to write on include racism, Storke tower as the penis and now dog love.. A university should have higher standards. Perhaps Matt should write comic books and you Cody, would be better suited to reading that medium.
I get where this article is coming from, but it’s just too on the nose, obvious and snarky to be funny. I don’t think it’s racist or anything; on the contrary, I love myself a little Aryan humor every now and then. But the article has such a smug undertone that it belies the straight faced journalist style, which makes it way less interesting. Put a little effort and finesse into your satire, Matt Renner, and stop going for such easy targets.