Don’t Drink and ‘Roid…

Saturday, April 2, 7:17 p.m. — Officers rushed to respond to a call that a man had been physically assaulted — by two girls. Choking back their chuckles, the officers entered the scene to find frantic employees and confused bro onlookers. The fanatical female in the pink tank top had finished wailing on the baffled male who stood defeated outside the restaurant. But, like any great story, there are always two sides.

The Pink Hulk, who was breathing heav- ily and still filled with raging adrenaline, told officers the man called her a “bitch” and shoved her, causing her to defend herself by harkening back to the third grade and forcefully thrusting him back. She then said her benevolent — albeit morally twisted — friend came to assist her by bullying the man she had literally never met before.

The battered boy said the crazy chicks came over to him and, unprovoked, started yelling at him. He said she then punched him in the face and he backed away, most likely fearing she was hopped up on steroids, or perhaps PMS-ing, and experiencing a hormonal overload.

As he backed up, the lady’s partner-in-unnecessary-crime vio- lently pushed him to the ground causing him to smack his head on the cold pavement. In an attempt to escape, he ran to the doorway of the restaurant thinking the women could not be so crazy as to punch him in front of employees and patrons. He was wholly incorrect.

Onlookers said the Pink Hulk threw a mighty final punch straight to the face before Isla Vista’s fin- est arrived to calm things down. Luckily for the victim, an amused spectator had filmed the one-sided fight on her cell phone, verifying his side of the story.

The man admitted to saying the word “bitches” but stated he used in a completely different con- versation and did not direct it at the terrifying Hulk. Pissed at his psychotic assailants, he signed a citizen’s arrest form.

The two women were arrest- ed and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail. During the car ride, the officers, who were thinking it would have been a good idea to wear a cup to work that day, had to endure an even more pain- ful experience than getting kicked in the balls — listening to the Hulk and her bully friend continue to bash the poor victim. They gloated about their valiance and said he was only pressing charges because he was embarrassed about being beat up by two chicks.

The pair was housed, pending calming the ‘eff down.