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Going Down Onto the Finer Techniques of Fellatio

Warning: The following content may contain offensive material and be inappropriate for, say, my parents. Seriously, just stop now, Mom and Dad — this isn’t helping any of us.

OK, maybe I can censor this a bit. This week I’d like to discuss the proper way to lick a lollipop. Stick it as far down your throat as possible and … alright, this advice is starting to sound physically hazardous, but I can’t put it any other way. Let’s talk about blowjobs, baby.

What you men so brazenly call “doming it up,” I see as a true art. It is a dance of wet skin strokes, timed breathing and saliva accumulation that is not for the faint of heart. As my homegirl Samantha from “Sex and the City” once said, “They don’t call it a job for nothing.” I present to you a mini-manual of Do’s and Don’ts: Wrap this information up in your head, and your lips around his, for a guaranteed mouthful of satisfaction.

Balls. Why do I begin this discussion with nuts over shaft, you may ask? Because friend, testicles are genitalia too, and quite frankly, they’re sick of constantly being neglected. They feel overshadowed by their cylindrical counterpart, doomed to a life of always the ballsmaid and never the dong. As long as you’re gentle, don’t be afraid to lightly massage them, lick them or even pop one in your mouth for a quick soak. They are very sensitive, which is a double-edged sword. Do nothing extreme, or he’ll tear up in sheer anger. But the right touch can take him over the edge.

Tip. There is a reason why “just the tip” is actually appealing to a guy, as that’s where he feels most of his pleasure. Don’t forget to come up for air every once in a while to avoid passing out while giving his tip some one-on-one time. And this little tip from me to you leads me to my next point…

Deep-throating. OK girls, take a deep breath (through your nose), you can do this. Try to think of a distant place, like a tropical beach or some other beautiful I.V. equivalent, and imagine you are there instead of esophagus-deep in johnson. The reason why guys are obsessed with you doing this is two-fold: 1) Again, the tip gets stimulated, but this time by the inside of your body, and 2) Porn.

Hands. Unless you’re tied up or handcuffed — in which case, more power to you — your hands should always serve as the supporting actors in your one-mouth-show performance. A penis doesn’t exactly have the resistance of a bar of lead, but it can handle quite a bit of pumping and pressure. Basically, hold on tight kids, ‘cause this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Eyes. Look up at him (also porn).

Teeth. The age-old question: To use teeth or not to use teeth? That’s a direct Shakespeare quote, by the way. The ol’ vampire blowjob. There are two schools of thought on this matter. Some say even trying is bound to end badly. And well, others like it rough. Just keep in mind that you aren’t grating cheese here, and it isn’t exactly the kind of thing you want to be biting into anyway.

Jizzing. “Spit or swallow” is so five-minutes-ago. There are so many more creative ways to skeet and so many more interesting things to skeet on. Of course, swallowing is still an option if that’s your cup of semen. But consider this — and yes, I know this is also rooted in years of boy-on-computer alone-time memories with a sock — ask him to come on you. The chest and face seem to be popular choices, and might I add that it is a surprisingly refreshing exfoliant. Just keep your eyes closed or this sacred advice will land you in the emergency room with an embarrassing medical bill to explain.

So open wide and say “ahh,” you are now equipped with the advice to give an outstanding oral performance. Don’t get choked up, put your member where your mouth is and rock that fellacio like it’s 1999.

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4 Responses to Going Down Onto the Finer Techniques of Fellatio

  1. Dr. ji Phunkk

    December 4, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Ok kids, grab a pen, open yer notebooks, and please do pay attention.
    I am an older fella with decades of multi-orientational experience, dedicated to the advancement of Ok kids, grab a pen, open yer notebooks, and please do pay attention.
    I am an older fella with decades of multi-orientational experience, dedicated to the advancement of interpersonal physical pleasin’ and a pleasurin’ and the expansion of human awareness in regards to both the self and other elements of our existence(s). I’ve been in both straight and gay long term relationships, and currently view myself as bisexual(why prevent 50% of potential positive experiences but definition of straight/gay…duh!)oo
    Ok, back to the subject at hand, so to speak…for to as large extent,that’s where it all starts(and ends up if the session proves less than effective!)
    Deflation should be approached as an art form, a craft, an exquisite form of intimate connection, not to mention, quite possibly the lead clip in the highlights reel of any session.
    On first approach, go slowly, with confidence(trust me, every guy doesn’t mind that you want to blow him, it’s ok,) Grab him gently by the crotch through the pants. Nibble and rub his members. Unbuttoned/unzip and proceed mouthing “Mr.happy” through his shorts. The graduallity of the progression heightens anticipatory arousal. Remove his pants while working through the underwear. Begin making direct contact with his growing parts either up from a leg hole, or straight in through the front partition in his shorts, before pulling them down by the band. For most fellas, this is an arousing stage of he progression. After a moment or two get the shorts off’im.
    Now we’re at a crucial point. He’s standing n front of you at nearly “full attention” and this first contact can be the launching point of quantum leaps in arousal intensity.
    A good general reminder is “savor the head, then engulf the shaft” Many folks tend to spend too much time/ focus on the tip… Instead, try just ten,maybe fourteen seconds here, then slowly, yet consistently, in the first pass, take his member as far into your mouth as you can manage. If you can take him slowly into your throat on this first descent he may well reach orgasmy right there, especially of you combins that technique with two others I ‘ll describe in a moment. If he is not fully hard, going all the way down on him will be easier, giving you both the sensation of him hardening in your throat(most fellas rather like that feeling…odd)and should you have trouble deep throating a hard one, this is a good way to give him the deep throat feeling, and Mr. Happy will remember the moment.
    Bear in mind, exquisite head ultimately involves multiple techniques integrated into one overall flow. Head is like poetry, the individual techniques are the words, while the art is found in the flow of the interplay, emphasis shifts, modulation through phases of stimulation, and cyclese of intensity. Ladies, you must learn to multi-task if you wish to rise above the rest in going down!
    So the first basic technique to add to the approach outlined above is to implement one’s tongue while doing the shaft strokes(hint:exhalek on the down stroke, inhale on the upstroke to provide temperature shifts for him, and continued consciousness do you!)Now anyone can do the “slovenry doggy” tongue, but those who know will use a firmly positions tongue tip moving side to side during one phase of the stroke then shift to using the whole width of the tongue going side to side for the other phase
    (i.e. tip-downstroke/whole width of tongue-Listerone) The second technique on might use is every time the tip reached the back of yer mouth, begin a swallowing action such that the contracting of one’s mouth/throat threshhold stimulates the head of his manthang. If you can, on each succesaive thrust, let hi m in a little deeperr. Tease his thang with the possible prospect of the delights of the throat! Try to integrate these two techniques with basic back and forth long axis stimulation. Trust me, if you can maintain the tongue technique with the shaft strokes, then gradually take him into your throat while making continal peristsltic notions within your throat, he will be your very best friend in no time!
    One more thing…fellas thangs have desensitization issues, which if you are aware of, you can easily circumvent. Sensitivity diminished after 5-7 passes over the same set of nerve endings, so a gradual axial/positional shift will prevent this to large degree. Doesn’t have to be much, just 4-11 degrees left or right, change the angles of approach. The key is to do this gradually, so one doesn’t disrupt the flow of sensation, so perhaps a continuous multi-axial modulation of stimulation would prove most effective. Of course, always take note as to which spots he finds most pleasueable and keep them heavy in the rotation!
    This is just the basics..hope it helps!

    Dr. ji

  2. proxy bonanza

    February 8, 2012 at 11:48 am

    An fascinating discussion is worth comment. I think that you must write much more on this topic, it may possibly not be a taboo topic but normally people today aren’t adequate to speak on such topics. To the next. Cheers

  3. Hanh Wiglesworth

    January 30, 2012 at 8:20 am

    I do agree with all the ideas you’ve presented in your post. They are very convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for starters. Could you please extend them a little from next time? Thanks for the post!!


    February 7, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    soooooooo you better know who this is! i miss you and fucking love reading alll your little blogs! thanks for the tips! love you!! haha