Going Down Onto the Finer Techniques of Fellatio

Warning: The following content may contain offensive material and be inappropriate for, say, my parents. Seriously, just stop now, Mom and Dad — this isn’t helping any of us.

OK, maybe I can censor this a bit. This week I’d like to discuss the proper way to lick a lollipop. Stick it as far down your throat as possible and … alright, this advice is starting to sound physically hazardous, but I can’t put it any other way. Let’s talk about blowjobs, baby.

What you men so brazenly call “doming it up,” I see as a true art. It is a dance of wet skin strokes, timed breathing and saliva accumulation that is not for the faint of heart. As my homegirl Samantha from “Sex and the City” once said, “They don’t call it a job for nothing.” I present to you a mini-manual of Do’s and Don’ts: Wrap this information up in your head, and your lips around his, for a guaranteed mouthful of satisfaction.

Balls. Why do I begin this discussion with nuts over shaft, you may ask? Because friend, testicles are genitalia too, and quite frankly, they’re sick of constantly being neglected. They feel overshadowed by their cylindrical counterpart, doomed to a life of always the ballsmaid and never the dong. As long as you’re gentle, don’t be afraid to lightly massage them, lick them or even pop one in your mouth for a quick soak. They are very sensitive, which is a double-edged sword. Do nothing extreme, or he’ll tear up in sheer anger. But the right touch can take him over the edge.

Tip. There is a reason why “just the tip” is actually appealing to a guy, as that’s where he feels most of his pleasure. Don’t forget to come up for air every once in a while to avoid passing out while giving his tip some one-on-one time. And this little tip from me to you leads me to my next point…

Deep-throating. OK girls, take a deep breath (through your nose), you can do this. Try to think of a distant place, like a tropical beach or some other beautiful I.V. equivalent, and imagine you are there instead of esophagus-deep in johnson. The reason why guys are obsessed with you doing this is two-fold: 1) Again, the tip gets stimulated, but this time by the inside of your body, and 2) Porn.

Hands. Unless you’re tied up or handcuffed — in which case, more power to you — your hands should always serve as the supporting actors in your one-mouth-show performance. A penis doesn’t exactly have the resistance of a bar of lead, but it can handle quite a bit of pumping and pressure. Basically, hold on tight kids, ‘cause this is going to be a bumpy ride.

Eyes. Look up at him (also porn).

Teeth. The age-old question: To use teeth or not to use teeth? That’s a direct Shakespeare quote, by the way. The ol’ vampire blowjob. There are two schools of thought on this matter. Some say even trying is bound to end badly. And well, others like it rough. Just keep in mind that you aren’t grating cheese here, and it isn’t exactly the kind of thing you want to be biting into anyway.

Jizzing. “Spit or swallow” is so five-minutes-ago. There are so many more creative ways to skeet and so many more interesting things to skeet on. Of course, swallowing is still an option if that’s your cup of semen. But consider this — and yes, I know this is also rooted in years of boy-on-computer alone-time memories with a sock — ask him to come on you. The chest and face seem to be popular choices, and might I add that it is a surprisingly refreshing exfoliant. Just keep your eyes closed or this sacred advice will land you in the emergency room with an embarrassing medical bill to explain.

So open wide and say “ahh,” you are now equipped with the advice to give an outstanding oral performance. Don’t get choked up, put your member where your mouth is and rock that fellacio like it’s 1999.