Aristotle once said, “Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies.” A poetic, moving assessment, but I have to wonder: Did Aristotle ever decide to fuck one of these friends he was renting half of his soul out to? Because homie-to-homie penetration is really more than just one penis dwelling in two bodies. Let’s be real here — fuck buddies are a fun concept for a Judd Apatow flick, but railing your friends is not the cure for a lonely and horny heart. Keep the booty calls to acquaintances and you’ll be fine, but bend over for a bestie and you’ll be getting fucked in more than one way.
If a beneficial friendship is a means of enrichment and support, why is it that having friends with benefits turns comfort into complication? And what are these new and exciting “benefits” I’m getting from my friends? Are loyalty and amity no longer enough? Must we have our friends and eat them out too?
It’s a grey area, a sexual limbo of sorts. If he’s having a bad day, you’re not sure if you should give him a hug or head. And if it’s that time of the month, you don’t know whether to lend her some Advil or ask her if she’s down anyway. It’s a danger zone, people, and it ain’t easy getting out of it.
The alleged “benefit” of having a friend with benefits is sexual stimulation and release without the responsibilities of an emotional relationship — which generally implies sacrifice of self, commitment, emotional exchange and of course, monogamy. You may be thinking: “I can get my dick wet with someone I like hanging out with, no attachment necessary? What’s the catch?” Answer: Contrary to the popular belief that you have a cock for a brain, you’re a human with feelings. Sorry to pop your “I’m so strong I can fuck like a primal beast programmed to inseminate without attachment” cherry, but with coitus comes closeness. No ifs, ands or best friends’ butts about it.
So what are we so afraid of that we opt for the nearest physical contact over a committed relationship? Well, let’s look at what a relationship entails: couple-y activities, pillow talk, family functions, calling the morning after, stress, making plans for the future, moving into the out-loud farting zone, oh dear this sounds horrible. Okay, okay; you win. Pal pooning definitely takes the prize. Just do me a favor and be cautious of which homedogs you’re dogging.
Bottom line, if you are comfortable enough to consider someone a good friend, then you are vulnerable enough around them to give in emotionally. This is not to say that beautiful, healthy relationships can’t form out of friendships. On the contrary, they do all the time. My point is in the distinction between building a sexual relationship and fucking. You can date a buddy you have sex with, but it just doesn’t work with a fuck buddy. See the difference?
Having a secret crush on someone you’re already sleeping with is dangerous territory. It’s like craving your favorite food while you’re chewing it — seriously confusing. It doesn’t take a Facebook update to know that if it feels complicated, it’s complicated, even if “casually fucking my friend” isn’t a relationship status as of yet.
So why fuel the friendly fling fire? Two options: This person either secretly loves you and wants to use sexual intimacy as a crutch on the way to something more serious, or is a commitment-phobe and wants to use your body as a hollow shell to fuck his/her problems away. Do yourself a favor and step away from the insecure trap of loneliness and draw the line between people you hang with and people you bang with.
My advice: Become friends with the people you fuck, not the other way around. And to all of you strangers out there who have “friended” me, take note on where I stand.