Late nights I can often be found at my computer, endlessly perusing websites of adult content in order to broaden not only my horizons, but some of yours as well. And while typing the word “sex” into a search engine is like covering my body in honey and belly dancing in front of a bear cave, I do it anyway. I get off on danger.
Since my early teens, I’ve been wasting these dark hours examining Internet porn and learning that you can see quite a bit of pink for free but, then again, didn’t everybody do that as soon as they learned how to use Google or Yahoo?
I’ve discovered the sites that cater to specific aspects of sex, like toys or sexual fantasy want ads. After years of seeing the same dildos and the same old men searching for some young thing to step on their balls, I finally stumbled upon a gem: machines that leave the presence of a penetrating partner obsolete.
Now, for all you straight men out there who aren’t into the whole “being penetrated” thing, some of these machines may not be of any interest to you. Unless, of course, you want to see how yet another machine has found a way to displace the working man. If that’s not your thing, you should just go back to Sally Sucks-a-Lot. She’s the only one who really understands you anyway.
As for the rest of you: Penetration lovers, unite! Next to dildos or other sex toys, these machines are the equivalent of a Ferrari racing down El Colegio against a Ford Taurus. One may be built for comfort, but bitches, these are built for speed.
And speed they do. One of them averages up to 250 thrusts per minute. Now, I urge you to go home and get in your favorite receiving position. Dust off that old analog watch and count how many thrusts you can take in a minute.
250 thrusts a minute is incredible: That’s four thrusts a second, for those of you not majoring in division. Of course, that kind of power isn’t without foreseeable consequences. This kind of sex is guaranteed to cause a migraine, if not from the brain shaking, then from your head smashing into the wall after only 30 seconds of this jackhammer ramming you. Not to mention the fact that, without the proper kind of lubricant, this type of force could lead to the most obnoxious of all ailments: vaginal or anal perforations. Yes, it’s fun to say. No, it’s not fun in any other way.
These contraptions seem to have stemmed, in a sense, from boredom and an erector set. People with one-track imaginations and a little elbow grease have attacked appliances common to any household. Be honest: you don’t use that blender nearly as much as you once intended. Have you ever considered replacing those blades with a prosthetic penis? With all those blender settings, you’re guaranteed a lover with not only endless stamina, but also way more sexual creativity. Settings like stir, pulse and liquify never sounded so appealing.
For men looking for a machine to simulate fellatio, I strongly suggest wasting more time on eBaum’s World. There, amidst the animation, parodies and home movies lies the Blow Job Machine. Much more complicated than the old vacuum trick, this machine involves elaborate sucking and light squeezing. It’s something you just have to check out to completely understand. And while part of you may want to shake this inventor’s hand, there is some other part, I’m sure, that wants to hold him close and ask, “How long has it been, man?”
In this age of technology, machines have slowly infiltrated the area of human pleasure. It started out somewhat unassumingly with battery-operated stimulants, but now they are becoming more realistic. Who knows how long it will be before robots are created that can successfully simulate sex with humans and afterward can be easily stored away, ready to service again when a switch is flipped?
Didn’t anyone see “Blade Runner” or “2001: A Space Odyssey”? Don’t you already know how this ends?!
But, damnit, it’s fun for now.
Daily Nexus sex columnist Nina Anthony also saw “Deep Throat IX”, but she has no idea how it ended.