That Ain’t Santa on Your Roof
Sat. July 12, 2:32 a.m. — Residents of 6647 Sabado Tarde Rd. called the Isla Vista Foot Patrol to report an unknown intoxicated man loitering about on their roof.

By the time deputies arrived, the aforementioned man was passed out on the front lawn of the residence. The officers woke the 20-year-old man and escorted him to a nearby curb.

In an apparent attempt to appease the deputies, the former lawn ornament informed his questioners that they were in front of his residence at 6514 Pasado Rd. Although the drunk was quite adamant about his current location, a deputy explained that a.) There is no 6500 block of Pasado Road and b.) They were on Sabado Tarde Road.

The drunken rooftop roamer would not be swayed, however, insisting, “My house is right here,” pointing to house with which roof and lawn he was now intimately familiar.

Putting the housing debacle aside, the officers asked the man if he could complete his ABC’s. The 15-year veteran of the education system said he could, but unfortunately “A-B-C-W-U-F-C,” would not suffice for the officers.

Having failed in demonstrating any trace of sobriety, the man was arrested and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Taxi Cab Confusion
Mon., June 30, 10:46 p.m. — A cab driver walked into the Foot Patrol station to report a young female who refused to pay her fare.

The officer contacted the 20-year-old woman in the backseat of the taxi. She carried the strong odor of alcohol on her person and appeared to be “confused.” And if this wasn’t enough evidence to suggest her level of intoxication, the large vomit stain on her dress sealed the deal.

When the deputy asked the cheapskate if she lived in I.V., she replied, “Yes,” and pointed into the vehicle’s interior, as if to say she lived right there, in that seat. The officer then asked where she had been drinking and she verbally replied, “Right here.”

However intoxicated, the woman was still responsible for the cab fare, and the officer told her she had to pay. She struggled to find her credit card, but finally did and handed it to the taxi driver.

While waiting for the credit card to go through, the officer asked her for her date of birth. She told the deputy it was “6575 Del Playa.”

Having run the card, the cab driver asked her to sign the slip. Unfortunately, the woman was too drunk to give her John Hancock.

At this point, the deputy asked her to step out of the taxi. She did as she was told, but nearly fell over upon trying to stand up.

Clearly unable to care for herself, she was placed under arrest and transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where she was housed, pending sobriety.

What’s My Age, Again?
Sat., July 12, 1:48 a.m. — An officer on a uniformed patrol down the 6600 block of Abrego Road witnessed a man exiting an apartment complex carrying a water bottle partially filled with a dark-colored liquid.

When the man noticed the deputy nearby, he quickly shoved the water bottle down his pants. However, he was not quick enough.

The officer approached the 20-year-old male and asked him to see the bottle. Pulling it out from where the sun don’t shine, he handed the clear container to the officer, who bravely smelled it contents. The pungent odor of alcohol was all the cop needed to know.

The officer asked the man for his identification, but he told the deputy he didn’t have any. The officer then asked him for his age, and the pant-stuffer falsely told him that he was 21.

Not quite convinced, the deputy asked for his date of birth, which the man said was “6-21-1986.” Realizing that this would make him 22, the officer asked again. “5-21-86,” was the young man’s new answer.

The deputy informed him that he had just provided two different answers. His reasoning for this, however, was quite simple: “Well, I’m drunk,” he said.

The officer placed him under arrest and transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail. While en route, he spontaneously said his date of birth was in November of 1987 and that he was sorry for “wasting [the officer’s] time.” However sincere, an apology doesn’t always cut it, and the man was still housed at the jail, pending sobriety.

The Short End of the Deal
Sun. July 13, 12:43 a.m. — Deputies patrolling the 6500 block of Del Playa Drive were informed of an intoxicated man that was “pushing girls.”

The officers approached the feisty 21-year-old, who, upon seeing them, turned tail and walked off in the opposite direction.

The deputies told him to stop — which he didn’t — and were forced to grab his shirt. He struggled to get away, but was eventually placed in handcuffs.

The man was clearly intoxicated and highly uncooperative. Convinced he was a danger to himself and those around him, the officers placed him under arrest and began to escort him to the nearby intersection where a patrol car was waiting.

While en route, however, the man spotted a pair of shorts lying in the street. Desperately, he tried to pick them up. Though the deputy told him to keep walking, the man refused and told officers that the shorts were his and he needed them. He didn’t seem to notice that he was already wearing a pair of shorts.

Having finally reached the IVFP station, the man was placed in a holding room while the necessary paperwork was filled out. Only, he was just too drunk and too angry to sit still.

He began kicking the walls and chairs and even threatened the officers in the station. The deputies were not worried, however, especially when they saw that he had managed to get his handcuffed hands stuck in between his feet.

Despite his constant barrage of insults and threats, the patient deputies freed him from his awkward predicament and later transported him to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.

Momma Always Said
Sat. June 14, 10:45 p.m. — Officers on a routine patrol received a call from a mother that needed a little extra help controlling her 21-year-old son.

The mother told the deputies she wanted to return home to Altadena, Calif., with her son, but that he was heavily intoxicated and out of control.

According to the older woman, her son had fled when she had called on Isla Vista’s finest for assistance, and that he was now at his girlfriend’s house.

However, while the deputies were talking with exasperated mother, the son walked up and after talking with the officers, agreed to do as mother said and leave for home.

Some kids are just too much to handle, though. Five minutes after seemingly resolving the issue, the deputies learned that the rambunctious son had jumped out of his mother’s car and fled once more.

The deputies met up with him at his girlfriend’s house. The drunk’s significant other told the police that he was not welcome, but the toddler-going-on-22 repeatedly pleaded with her to let him stay. She refused and he was arrested.

He was later transported to the Santa Barbara County Jail where he was housed, pending sobriety.