I remember when you told me you loved me for the first time; I asked you how you knew.
I found my answer through holding hands in your car that opened only through the back door, the car that you affectionately called a piece of crap with a radio. Or breathing into each other’s faces while talking because we were always so close. I still remember your hands, the ones that tickled me and played me John Mayer on the guitar, the ones that held my face whenever I cried and prevented my tears from falling past my cheeks. I remember our five-hour phone conversations, falling asleep on the line and feeling so lucky that there was somebody in the world that I could tell everything to. I remember how your dog ran away every time I came near, how your mom and sister always greeted me so warmly and how excited your dad was when peeling Cajun shrimp for the first time. I still remember that night when we sat on the curb of a random house on our first date; I lay my head on your shoulder feeling with the utmost certainty that it was the beginning of something I could call forever.
Love changes and people change. The handsome, smart boy with stars in his beautiful blue-green eyes will break your heart through a pixelated long-distance phone call, leaving you feeling hopeless and devastated. You will spend long nights crying and looking at quotes on Tumblr. The words “you aren’t right for me anymore” will seem to linger over you like a gloomy rain cloud wherever you go. You will talk about him to your friends until they get annoyed with you. You will have so many questions and you will never get any answers. You’ll feel as if it will never get better until he loves you again.
It will get better for a while, and then you might relapse. You’ll see him move on to someone else and instantly feel bad about yourself. You’ll compare and find flaws in yourself, wondering what she could possibly have that you don’t. The answer is nothing. There is nothing wrong with you. If he couldn’t see how amazing you were, then he wasn’t the right guy.
One day, you’ll wake up and you won’t feel like crying anymore. You’ll regret putting your entire self-worth in the hands of another person. You will find that your life didn’t end because your heart got broken, and you will rebuild. You will grow in ways that you realize that you couldn’t with another person. Your sadness, frustration and confusion will be healed through time. You will be okay.
Whenever I met someone new, I couldn’t help but find parts of them that remind me of you. It’s been almost two months now and I’m going to stop looking for you and find myself instead. With you, I learned what butterflies and weak-in-the-knees happiness felt like and I will always be thankful. You made me feel like I was someone worth loving. But, even though you don’t anymore, I know that I am still someone worth loving. I always was.
Erika Lee doesn’t let a broken heart stop her from being awesome and you shouldn’t either.