Well, humpers, it’s finally here … the holiday that grants us our notoriety as one of the biggest party schools in the nation — Halloween. For those of you who haven’t yet experienced it here in Isla Vista, it’s crazy, drunken, sexy and downright ratchet … to our standards, absolutely perfect. Now as a senior here at UCSB, I can say from experience that this always turns out to be one of the most sexually explosive times of the year. From my first threesome to my first night fucking in a frat house, Halloween in I.V. has yet to leave me sexless, and the same should go for you. That said, this is my guide for getting ass on Abrego, titty-fucked on Trigo, slutty on Sueno and maybe even DP’d on DP — because it’s Halloween and anything goes.
Stay in character while out in I.V. In my opinion, the best thing about Halloween is that we get to dress up as whatever the fuck we want, pretend to be someone else for a night and not get judged for it. I’m going to be a French maid this Friday, and I’m planning on using my costume as an opportunity to seduce the guys while I’m out. Come up with some fun, flirty lines that go with your costume and lure in potential partners.
While playing your character at parties is fun, role playing during sex is even better. With that said, use your costume to your advantage and bring it to the bedroom with you. Gonna be a nurse? Play doctor with the hottie you find and give him a checkup that’s extra thorough. Going out as a cop? Place someone under your arrest (extra points for actually using the handcuffs that come with your costume).
Make sure that the person behind the mask is actually what you’re looking for. Last year, one of my friends took home a guy dressed as a zombie. His body was nice, but he was wearing a mask the majority of the night, and she didn’t end up seeing his face until she was too drunk to care. Next morning, she was horrified to find that he had eaten her out with a fat cold sore on his lips — gross! For the sake of your dignity — and not catching the herp — make sure you get a good look at the person you’re flirting with before it’s too late.
Find your Halloween counterpart. One really fun thing my friends and I try to do on Halloween is find the counterparts to the costumes that we’re wearing. Last year I was a playboy bunny, so I tried to find myself a gay Hugh Hefner to sleep with … while I was unsuccessful, the “straight” Hugh I ended up flipping was really great in bed. Who doesn’t like a challenge, right?
Think outside the box. While it’s I guess it’s okay to be a “slutty cop,” “slutty cat” or “slutty whatever-the-fuck,” it’s even more fun to wear something creative that grabs everyone’s attention. Doing this will make you stand out, and besides, that “slutty mouse” outfit you’re planning on wearing is more basic than the Pumpkin Spice Latte I’m drinking right now. My sophomore year, I went out as Twitter. Rocking blue tights, a blue feather hat, no shirt and a whiteboard around my neck, people wrote tweets on me all night. One such tweet, “I want to eat @matttogni’s ass #ButtReally #PunIntended,” actually got me laid. Hooray for cheesy hashtags, am I right?
BDSM. While this could totally go under the “roleplaying” tip, I like BDSM so much that I decided to give it its own section — because seriously, what’s hotter than being tied up in a chair while someone tells you to beg them for sex. I think that this one’s pretty self-explanatory, so have fun playing your best horror movie fantasies and get crazy. On Saturday when I go out as a cop, expect that I’ll use my baton in more ways than one.
Safety. Wanna know the scariest part of Halloween? The fact that many of us are going to get laid, and that 1 in 4 sexually active college students have an STD (source: Centers for Disease Control). With that said, I know that most of us are going to be wearing next to nothing this weekend, but use your bras or underwear to stash a condom or two to ensure that you can be safe when doing the dirty … because who wants to be a part of that statistic? Not me. Ew.
Consent. I know I talk about this in literally every article that I write, but it’s really important to make sure that both you and your partner give consent before you have sex. Only yes means yes. End of story.
Despite the out-of-towners, countless cops and lack of parking that Halloween is bound to entail, there’s a reason why it’s famous here in Isla Vista … it’s a fucking blast! In all honesty, the biggest tip I can give y’alls is to simply let loose and have fun. Don’t be a buzzkill this weekend, dress up, because I’m sorry, but I don’t wanna be the only half-naked French maid out there on Friday night.
Happy Halloween, happy Halloweekend, and happy humping, folks!
Matt Togni has no problem admitting that he’s a little bit of a basic bitch.
“Consent. I know I talk about this in literally every article that I write, but it’s really important to make sure that both you and your partner give consent before you have sex. Only yes means yes. End of story.”
Only yes means yes. Beginning of sexual stupidity and (anti-male) scapegoating. Poisonous and pig headed feminist propaganda in every story he writes. End of scholarship, research and reality.
I never feel compelled to respond to people who take the time to comment on my articles in a negative manner, but in this case, I feel like I definitely have to. Honestly, it terrifies me to think that someone like you exists on this planet, who actually thinks that anything other than a “yes” could actually mean yes when it comes to sexual consent. It’s bad enough to be a rape apologist, but you, sir, are presenting yourself as something much, much worse: a rape advocate. Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. I hope at some point in life you gain some… Read more »
Matt, me dear please save your assine outrage and your bestial feminist blame and shame games for the feminist bigots who poison your particular Indoctrination U. What’s really absolutely disgusting here is to see an otherwise intelligent college scholar babbling niggardly ‘rape culture’ nonsense for the world’s largest and most officially coddled hate movement. Do some homework on female sexual shennangins will you or go watch Fifty Shades so you can swim free from the Guacho (or is that Guacha?) Estrogen Sewer.
To quote Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, I think Anti-feminist is just bitter, because he hasn’t been inside a woman since his tongue got stuck in a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth’s.